I got an email last week that made my blood boil. Yes, seemingly to boil. Not simmer. A blanching-green-veg boil, a pressure cooker boil.
The kind of boil my blood gets when I’m at a restaurant and I hear a woman, grilling the server suspiciously, saying, "I'm allergic to lactose” and then later says, “Oooh, could you wheel that cheese cart over here? Gawd, I love Epoisse."
I’m just minding my own business, a happy Bertie Wooster moment at my desk before work, dreaming of confiting turkey legs, and an email pops into my box and it’s like someone smacked me on the skull with a cricket bat.
It was from Heather Clayton, an expat living in southern Germany, trying to plan a meal here in the once sensible USA (West Coast, bien sûr), for a diverse group of FAMILY MEMBERS, for her beloved daughter. I’m reprinting it with Heather’s permission (she asked only to be warned when it would be posted so that she could deal with in-law feedback). Suggestions for her?
Dear Michael,
I am the mother of the bride. My daughter is a third culture kid, having grown up outside the US for her teen years. Consequently, she has been exposed to a wide variety of cultures and cuisines.
Her one request for her wedding day was to have a small luncheon for close friends and family to celebrate the occasion.
We found a lovely Italian trattoria with a slow food, sustainable agriculture/local food philosophy that suits our needs perfectly.
Our problem is my husband's siblings "special diet" issues. They embody the evangelical wacko dietary fads that consume a certain slice of the upper middle class. We have every variation of diet extremism from the paleo-diet to variations of the casein/gluten/lactose/sugar-free philosophies which means they are limited to brown rice, some grilled meats, and some fruits/veges. Apparently they are worried about leaky guts and fingers swelling from gluten exposure. To compound the problem, there are quite a number of them who follow variations of this extremism—10 to 12 people out of a party of 75 or so.
Since we are hosting our luncheon at an Italian restaurant, we will embrace cheese, pasta, gelato (and wedding cake) etc. with gusto. My husband wants to include his siblings in our celebration. However I have no desire to pay hundreds of dollars for meals that will be picked at, ignored or otherwise snubbed because of their food fascism. I will not have them ruin my daughter's day by taking up space refusing to eat. If it were a matter of vegetarian vs. meat eating--that's easy to accommodate. However this dietary demand goes beyond mere plant vs. animal.
The questions is this:
Is there a polite way to tell them that we are happy to include them, however we will not be custom ordering meals to suit paleothic metabolisms and if they insist on maintaining their gluten/lactose/sugar/casein/fat-free diets, we would be happy to see them AFTER lunch for toasts and speeches. I don't want to be rude, but I've had enough family dinners ruined by their food proselyting that I have no interest to give them a forum at what should be a joyous time.
How does a modern bride and her family deal with this issue? If you are aware of somewhere in the food etiquette world where someone has written on this topic, please send me to them. I am looking for any input that might be out there.
Dear Heather,
Many thanks for your letter and calling attention to the good term “food fascism” that yes, does seem to reside mainly among the otherwise intelligent upper middle classes.
I do not believe in telling people what to eat. If you want to kill yourself with a raw food diet, go ahead. If you want to give up meat, good for you, seriously, I admire it (though have a hamburger or hot dog from a trusted source every now and then just so you can keep digesting; you did evolve this way after all).
But foisting your diet on anyone or even talking about it in a way that even remotely self-serves or proselytizes, pisses me off.
As you noted in a follow-up email that no one in your party has any serious conditions (celiac disease, shellfish allergies), I would serve whatever the hell makes your daughter happy. I’m sure she’ll want a good variety, and so every normal person can enjoy him- or herself.
But since you know that some of your relatives are a bit touched in the head with regard to their own diet, and that restaurants do charge by the head, I recommend including just what you elegantly wrote in your email on the invitation, politely. “I’m aware many in our big and diverse family may have diets they must adhere to, so if you suspect that our menu won’t suit you, please let me know so that we can let the restaurant know how many people will be attending the meal. If you won’t be attending do let me know, and also let me know if you will be joining us for the celebration following the meal.”
Something like that. Anyone else want to chime in?
We have reached such a pitch of food idiocy it makes me want to scream. Much of the idiocy is sparked by the media that seems to report on every study and trend that comes around the bend. That and an American population that simply cannot think for itself. People, you have six senses! The last one is common! Use it!
The photo above is a good, balanced everyday meal in our house. It makes sense. And I feel good after I eat it. Why has eating become so difficult for so many people?
If you liked this post have a look at these links:
- My post on the hidden health hazards of lettuce and the no nitrites added hoax.
- Read Nina Plank’s book Real Food: What to Eat and Why.
- Etiquette of intolerance shared by Anna Post a spokesperson from the Emily Post Institute.
- The eating disorder known as pickiness.
© 2012 Michael Ruhlman. Photo © 2012 Donna Turner-Ruhlman. All rights reserved
melissa
I think that is a perfectly gracious and reasonable response.
Maureen Sanchez
I had a very small wedding - very small - and the day before the big day a cousin decided she would come - and invite her then boyfriend. A vegan. Really? Too bad you don't care for filet mignon and lobster. That's what we're serving. I'm sure there are crudites that will satisfy your palette. It's her party. She can serve what she damn well pleases. If there are dietary restrictions, er, preferences among her guests, it's their responsibility, not theirs, to take care of them. If there are newborns that are breastfed exclusively, is she planning on having a booby-fountain there for the wee one's needs too? She's trying too hard to please, and let's face it. There is NO WAY to please everyone, particularly with crazy fad diets. Their issue. Not hers. I hope the wedding is fantastic, memorable, and filled with lovely memories.
Bethany Frissel
I'm sorry, I'm with you on most of this, but veganism isn't some fad diet. It's an ethically chosen lifestyle. If he insisted on being fed something specific, that'd be another story, but no one should be mocked just for being vegan. Plus, omnivores actually eats tons of vegan food all the time - no need to act like this is some insane imposition on you.
Stumptown Savoury
I call bullshit on this, Bethany. Veganism is not only horrible for the human body, it's also horrible for the planet. There are virtually no vegans who live in a locality or bio-region that can support their diet, and it is impossible, I repeat, IMPOSSIBLE to get all the nutrients required by our bodies without consuming some animal products, unless, of course, you consider it "ethically chosen" to go blind; Please read "The Vegetarian Myth" for starters, and ignore those books written by vegans telling you that it's healthful and ethical to be vegan.
Disley Titchbender
Vegifascism and global warming. 2 issues which make me envy the dead daily.
Maureen Sanchez
she didn't have the common courtesy of responding by the rsvp date ... and brought a letch of a date who was hitting on my single friends. He was a vegan. We accommodated him, because we could -- not because we SHOULD have. As you state, it is a chosen lifestyle. That does not mean that your chosen lifestyle should dictate what is served at my (or in this case) someone else's wedding or any other affair. Unless the bride and groom are vegans - then the whole room can eat beans, rice, and tofu ... *your* choice shouldn't become someone else's responsibility.
Bethany Frissel
Like I said, with you on most of what you said (I'm big on being being polite and quietly finding my own way whenever someone is being generous to me). I just take issue with the way you categorized all vegans with people following fad diets. I'm sorry he was a creepy jerk, but that has nothing to do with being vegan - just with him being a creep.
Maureen Sanchez
seriously- did you read my response or are you bandstanding for all vegans ? I was referring to the guests at the luncheon described above -- not to the vegan guest at my wedding. I think you are annoying because you infer by not reading, not because you are vegan. The fad diets are the diets of the family members originally discussed in the email to Mr. Ruhlman.
Missy
They're welcome to their "ethically chosen lifestyle", if that's what makes them happy. They should not, however, expect people to accommodate their restrictive food CHOICES.
If you CHOOSE to be vegan, you don't get to have a fit when everyone else around you eats omnivorously. Eat at home, or stay home altogether.
Malcolm
I think the host's suggestion that folks either eat what is being served or come later is reasonable. It's NOT reasonable to think others must cater to your chosen diet/lifestyle when you are a guest. Don't show up to the wedding in a speedo, and please eat the food we have or bring a brown paper sack for yourself. The problem I sense is not so much food fascism (great term!) as a general sense of entitlement to special treatment from guests. Be happy you're invited, be gracious, and thank the hosts on your way out as they thank you for coming.
Heather Anne
I agree wholeheartedly, and I DO have Celiac disease. I have been to several weddings already this year and I would NEVER expect the bride and groom to accommodate my dietary needs. In fact, I bring my own food or eat before I go so that they don't have to.
It's these types of elective diets that cause me to be suspicious at restaurants. Chefs are being bombarded with people on fad diets and I worry that the chefs do not worry about cross contamination for those of us that actually have severe reactions. While pregnant, I do not dare go out to restaurants simply because I know too many places in my area that are so sick of these types of requests that they are no longer careful. Sad, but true, and I completely understand, unfortunately.
Dawn
What she said. As someone who cannot eat wheat or soy (and would give anything to be able to again) - but loves a good party - I fully expect to contact the restaurant for a special meal that I will pay for myself in order to participate in the event. Life is too short to put up with relations who expect you to bend over for their culinary eccentricities on YOUR special day. I would never expect friends or family to make concessions for MY food allergies.
Jessica / Green Skies and Sugar Trips
I am sitting here, and my first thought is "fuck them!" Tell them to fuck off. But being that we live in a world where using nice our nice words is key and constantly dropping the F-Bomb (as I am well known to do) is not socially acceptable (I really don't care) I agree with Ruhlman's suggestion. And deep down you know know they all REALLY do want to feed their inner food demons some pasta and actually TASTE some real freaking food again! Seriously folks, how can the smell of bacon not make them salivate? I don't care how long they've been raw food "lovers" EVERYTHING tastes better than skinny feels!
I also love this quote, perhaps you can put it on bottom of the menu 😉
"Esse nufesso qui dice male di macaroni" - Meaning: He who speaks badly of macaroni is a fool" So people on those "special" diets are just fools!
Larry Lootsteen
Absolutely tell them there will be no special meals. You have every right to offer up that option to attend after. Also ask them to confirm if they will be eating or attending the after speeches. That way you don't pay for extra meals - why should you.
I'm not sure this qualifies as a blood boiling issue as anyone can make ridiculous and ill-informed food choices (turkey confit not withstanding!). If they were to come back at you with demands that you accommodate their special needs THEN I would get out caveman club and have at them.
We all have to stop worrying about this political correctness around people's weird choices. They have the option to join, with or without food. Do not give this a second thought.
Elmer
Michael, you have pretty well covered it. The day isn't about the family and their questionable needs, it is about the (hopefully) happy couple. When my wife and I got married (almost six years ago) we decided the goal was to throw a great party. Oh, and we'd be getting married that day too. The food was the important part. The rehearsal / feeding of the out of town guests the night before was handled the same way. Here's the menu. We want you to join us, but this is our time. If it doesn't work for you, then we're sorry. We hope you can manage.
And for the record, for several years before and still now, our families try to get together for Thanksgiving at a minimum. I handle the menu and most of the cooking. I will take suggestions, but I have final call. If you don't like it, then bring your own food.
Kim Foster
Michael -
A mom at my kid's school told me her son was allergic to milk that wasn't...wait for it...organic. And I have a neighbor who swears her kid is actually allergic to milk...except for ice cream and chocolate milk. It's insane and also impossible.
This kind of craziness makes it harder for everyone to take it seriously when people have real allergies - celiac or severe nut allergies, for instance. This is great advice, Michael. The wedding is to celebrate her daughter and her partner and their new life, not cater to the diet issues of the extended family.
Kim
Matt Novak
I do understand this dillema. I just would like to point out one very gracious difference. My wife, a recent vegan convert, attended Baconfect in Chicago with me this past weekend. She's not a militant meat is evil vegan, she just thinks it makes her feel more healthy. The restaurants and vendors at Baconfest were quite taken with her and even went out of their way to adapt their some dishes to be vegan for her when there was absolutely no expectation for them to do so. She would have been happy with a few vegan PBR's and to watch me gorge on all things porky. I truly am a blessed man.
jeff wright
It is the height of self absorption and narcissism to demand a Hostess accommodate the latest diet lunacy.Like you. my blood boils when I read this. Someone had to take a stand against this. She is doing exactly what I would do. We have invited you to share in the happiness of our daughters nuptials,NOT to hear about your various metabolic malfunctions that make you unable to enjoy our celebration.
allen
I Negroni, therefore I no upset stomach.
Is that a complete sentence? It's the bitters man, no question about it. I made a dinner like the one pictured and had a negroni, it settles the stomach. Sheeesh! Focker out!
Lisa D (@This Little Piggy Went to The Farmers Market)
Me too, love Negroni and have to agree....ruined my grammar too! Honestly life it too short for food fascists, we live in the land of plenty - eat, drink and be merry!
Peter - The Roaming GastroGnome
Isn't it always odd when relatives make demands about your wedding? I'm sure most who've done their own wedding planning can sympathize with Heather on this. The wedding day is supposed to be about the two getting married not everyone else. When my wife and I were planning ours we made sure we had what we wanted. We took advice from others with a (I'd like to think) a touch of diplomacy and said "thanks that's a good idea, we'll think about it" or "well we're working on a budget and though we'd like to, we have to stay within the budget" Most people understood. We also found (happily) our fears were a bit overstated and most everyone just ended up being happy for us and enjoyed themselves. It's different with every family of course but our feeling was "hey if you don't like the party we're offering you just say no and we'll invite someone else who'll be happy with it." My two cents.
Ron
I am an omnivore (had a beef tongue burrito yesterday) and my wife is vegetarian. She is not vegan but also not one of those pseudo-vegetarians who say that they eat fish and chicken sometimes. The thing is, she realizes that this is a lifestyle choice that she made and does not impose it on others. Whenever we are invited over to other's houses for dinner, we do not request anything special and instead offer to bring something along. As for things like weddings...etc. she usually grabs a bite to eat before going so in case there are limited choices.
We both dislike people who impose their diets on others...just as it is wrong to impose religious beliefs on others.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to indicate that you cannot meet their special diet needs. If they are decent folk, they will understand. If they do not understand, then you probably don't want to be celebrating with them in the first place.
This all said, I do have an issue with restaurants who shove aside the vegetarian (true vegetarians). We love to eat out and if we are going to a special restaurant, we are certain to call ahead (days) to let them know that my wife is a vegetarian. When doing so, we expect some sort of effort by the kitchen. Nothing is worse than spending a large sum of money on a meal and having my wife get a plate that is only a selection of the vegetable side dishes they offer...with no special thought put into it.
Carri
So, Ron...when you go to a vegetarian restaurant do you call days and days ahead to ask them to cook a special meat option just for you? Just curious...
Ron
Not exactly apples and oranges here, is it. It is not as if it is ever difficult for omnivores to find things to eat. Vegetarian restaurants do not have the ingredients on-hand to cook a meat-eater a meal. Every conventional restaurant does not have to buy special products to cook something vegetarian. They do have produce on hand...so I am not sure what your are asking here or if you are just trying to be a smart ass.
apples and oranges
And who would you be to expect special effort on the part of the kitchen?
Ron
A paying customer who would expect the same effort that is put into making the other customers happy
Carri
I'm not trying to be smart ass...you make the assumption that a resto that serves meat can easily come up with something vegetarian even though all their prep, etc has been thought out ahead of time...so suddenly that lovely risotto cannot have chicken stock in it and has to be made specially. Not every place has the staff or the means to make that happen and shouldn't be expected to, just like a vegan restaurant shouldn't be expected to accommodate someone paleo, just sayin.
Ron
I not talking about 99% of the restaurants, but...If I were heading to the French Laundry, I don't think it is unacceptable to call ahead. And...yes...I do think that restaurants of that calibre should be able to do more than just "come up with something vegetarian". If, when calling ahead they say they cannot accommodate...that is cool...we wouldn't go there. But, for instance, I remember going to Biba in Boston...calling ahead and then seeing my wife having side dishes slapped on a plate. if we had known that would happen, we wouldn't have gone.
I am not talking about an "entitlement" here, but just an effort from rock-star chefs to see an opportunity. I am very much an omnivore. My wife is ova-lacto. If we can both go out and have a memorable meal, don't you think we would be more likely to go back again and again...and even tell more people about the awesome experience. If a restaurant is not prepared to try and impress their customers, then just say..."you know what, our awesome chef and kitchen staff really can't do something nice for someone who doesn't eat meat. We plan on just giving you whatever is in the kitchen so deal with it". That sort of candid response would be welcome, and appreciated by me.
However, I do think that if a rising star chef is worth their weight in salt then they should be able to dazzle their customers without a meat protein. If they cannot, or if they just shove aside the vegetarian, then they may be missing the mark on customer service, repeat business and growing their business. If they choose not to accommodate other diets, then proudly claim it...don't pretend.
There is nothing worse than spending hundreds of dollars on a dinner and having your partner end up with Charlie Brown's rock on her plate. Chefs can either try and impress the vegetarian or dismiss them. What I ask is that they be honest up front. It would save their customers from having a bad experience. If you scorn the vegetarian, then proudly print "we do not accommodate special diets" right on the menu. I can live with that fine.
One of our favorite restaurants is Terroni (in Toronto). They print on their menu that the do not accommodate special requests and that there are no substitutes with any of their dishes (they won't even allow you to put cheese on seafood). It is honest. There are limited vegetarian items...but that is okay, because they state it up front and we very much respect that.
I don't think that your vegan restaurant example it a good parable. I would not expect to even think about going to a steak house or some place that specializes in meat (like Animal in LA or The Black Hoof in Toronto) with my wife and get any sort of veg meal. just as I would not expect a vegan place to offer a meat dish. These are specialty places and are treated as such by customers.
Apples to Apples.
john phipps
Ron.... As to places accommodating veg'ers, I once took my nephew (omnivore) and his veg'er girlfriend to Michael Simon's Lola for dinner. A VERY meat oriented place. I called ahead, spoke with the manager, and they kindly had menus on the table for the three of us that included the regular fare and had two superb vegan choices added. No fuss... No muss. Just unmitigated class! Sometimes I wish I lived a couple thousand miles closer so I could go there more often.
BG
Common sense isn't so common.
Brandon
I think the response is reasonable. If I couldn't eat, and the resto couldn't accommodate me, I would gladly come afterword for the "fun" part anyway! Though I imagine this wedding food would be nicer than most.
Arlene
I say this as someone who finds these diets maddening as well: I agree that now that people have the luxury of picking out specific diets at their whim, the job of a hostess is harder than ever. However I take exception to the idea of being insulted that one's money will be wasted if their guests do not care for the food they are served. It is rude, yes, for guests to not try to enjoy what's offered but it's also equally rude to want to exclude people merely because their diet does not jibe with what you want to serve. Is this wedding about having friends and family around to celebrate the occasion or about teaching your relatives a lesson? I agree it's frustrating when other people try to foist their lifestyles on you but I urge all hostesses to be the better person in this regard. Serve what will make the bride happy and let the pick-at-their-platers pick away and don't bean count the amount wasted. This isn't the time and you're not going to change their ways either way.
Laura
I agree with Arlene. I think maybe the hostesses' real problem is that she's worried about affording the wedding dinner and she'd like to save money by not spending on food she knows people won't eat. I'd say she should just forget about it, spend the $$$ (who knows? maybe she will "corrupt" some people in the process) and stop worrying about it. She can't fix them; she's stuck.
I'd LOVE to go to that dinner; maybe I could just sit outside the tent and they could pass the food they don't want on to me.
Melissa D
I have a son with a dairy allergy and would never dream of expecting others to accommodate that at a gathering. It's their party, not ours. I might inquire about what is to be served, but if nothing was appropriate for my son I'd (gasp!) feed him beforehand and bring plenty of snacks. When he goes to a friend's birthday party, do I request the host parent make dairy-free cupcakes to ensure my son is happy? No! I take him out for sorbet after the party!
If the most important factor when going to a wedding is the food selection, maybe you shouldn't be going in the first place?
Elliott N Papineau
I agree with the media aspect of your post. The other problem is with the rampant celebrity narcissism that exists. Everyone wants to feel special, stand out, be catered to, etc. It is all about the manipulation of the people who surround us that makes this issue relevant.
I would also like to throw out there that the notion of "slow food, sustainable agriculture/local food philosophy" is great, but don't be an elitist. That is how food should be. The obsession with local/organic need to be the norm, not a way to separate yourself.
denise
Thank you. I try to be aware of friends' dietary needs, prioritizing the life-or-death allergy issues of course, but a lot of people I know exclude things based on fad diets. There's audacity behind ingredient exclusion that could never exist in countries that don't have the luxury of selection and resources we are blessed with. It's fine to try new diets to improve health -- I've totally done it -- but when it comes to eating a communal meal, especially if a friend prepared it, I follow the best advice (Mom's), which is eat what you're given and be gracious. Treat every meal like it's a gift, because for so many others, they go without.
Kasha
I egree with what Malcolm said re: general sense of entitlement.... It's a curse on our society and we brought it on ourselves. So sad it's come to this.
I'm a people-pleaser from way back but would never think that someone would alter a menu to suit me and my former vegetarian ways. My hang-up, my problem when dining out. End. Of. Story.
Natalie
She should let the restaurant know about "allergies," I believe the EU is ahead on this issue, and tell the family to either eat ahead of time, or bring their own meal, with restaurants permission, if the restaurant doesn't go for it, then I agree with her. I have a wheat intolerance, and I pick and choose the people and dinners that should accommodate me, based on our closeness and what type of dinner it is. Sometimes I bring my own meal, or just eat ahead of time, or if its a great meal I decide it's worth suffering for and eat up. But it sounds like here, she is dealing with a bunch of control freaks that use food as a weapon and to that I say good luck and when in their presence drink a lot of wine!
Laurie Smith
As a friend once said "It's free, tastes good to me!" after receiving criticism on food (and wine) at a volunteer dinner. And watching my sister kowtow to my vegetarian nieces food demands each holiday (two separate sets of stuffing-really?) is pure insanity. The verbiage is perfect as what the focus should be on is the couple, plain and simple.
Linnea
You really think it's insane for your sister to want her daughters to enjoy a special meal just like everybody else? My mom makes two sets of stuffing at family meals so I (and my vegetarian aunt) can enjoy it too, and it's this hard: Make a big batch of stuffing. Set some aside. Add meat to the rest. Cook. So crazy, right? Then there's my cousin who is allergic to tomatoes - if there are going to be tomatoes in a salad, we put them on the side so she can eat too! Insane!
I know it's hard to accommodate a wide variety of diets, and even harder when some people have ever-changing dietary choices. But when a family member is a vegetarian (or has Celiac, etc.), and everybody in the family is aware of it, it's good and kind to make sure they can enjoy the holiday meal just like everybody else. Not insane.
Mary aka The Culinary Librarian
I'm with Heather for letting the family know they may opt out of attending the meal if they will be difficult about the food. As I read this I imagined guests pestering waiters at the restaurant asking if the roasted vegetables had been cooked in any butter/animal fat or if the calamari crust was made with wheat flour or not.
As a food lover/person it is very very difficult for me to deal with people who set up all these dietary restrictions for themselves which have nothing direct to do with known health issues. I also think its insulting to the people who *do* have serious conditions for which they require a restricted diet. Sure, it increases awareness and availability of alternatives for those who need it when it becomes trendy, but to have someone say they can't have something in a restaurant that they actually CAN handle is what I find to be insensitive. It is one thing to strive to be paleo, gluten free or vegan *most* of the time, it is another to have it create uncomfortable situations when celebrating life's moments together with family and friends.
I have some friends who have created these restrictions for themselves, again, without a doctor telling them they have a condition that requires them to eliminate certain foods, and I do my very best to avoid dining with them. It is always awful and embarrassing. Either they sit there and don't eat or they ask way too many questions of the waiter to the point that they are insulting the restaurant when they don't believe what the waiter tells them and refuses to eat the food they ordered because they think there is something that they don't eat in it.
I have no wedding in sight but this letter/post has now got me thinking about what I might do at my own someday and I think I'd have to take a similar route. If people don't trust that the food I serve will be delicious, well-made and of high quality they shouldn't really be my friends anyway! I will not serve a handful or more of special entrees for people (unless they truly have dietary restrictions) when there will be a perfectly enticing spread that everyone else will enjoy.
NoWheatPlease
My doctor didn't tell me to avoid wheat, but every time I eat it there is blood in my poop. Does that qualify me, in your eyes, to avoid eating it?
phrits
I think she knows she could politely refuse to provide special food. All the ranting aside, she's trying to avoid paying for food that won't be eaten and tiresome conversation about it. Mr. Ruhlman's note is spot on.
Here's another approach: What if you have all the toasting and celebrating before the meal? Then the folks that eat real food can just stay on, and all the boorish weirdos can go off and graze or whatever it is they do.
Jennifer Commins
I agree with your approach Michael - and you too Melissa. After all, this is about Heather's daughter's wedding and celebrating one of life's most beautiful moments over a memorable, beautiful meal... not the food extremist agenda.
Extremism is unsavoury in all subjects. Extremism breeds conflict and war.
Shame on these guests if they have a hissy fit over the menu or venue. They need to get over themselves.
My advice - disclose the venue and a hint of the menu in advance and let them make their choice about whether or not they can attend. AND, instruct the venue that they are not to cater to unreasonable substitutions. You don't want the day to be compromised with server eye-rolling and flustered management. Empower them to gently but firmly say "no" to these attention - seeking food killjoys.
hawaiianicolina
To play the opposite end of the plate here, as the wife/cook of a celiac these types of issues plague those of us who need the special diet accomodations. I sit in restaurants and also hear these dabblers say that "oh a little gluten is fine", pick out the croutons out of salads or eat the yummy cheesecake filling out of the crust ( none of which is OK for a celiac). While there are now recognized (or categorized) levels of gluten intolerance, I can only speak for myself that it just makes it so hard to educate servers/restaurants and puts an undo burden on busy kitchens to have faux allergic/immunocompromised diners hypocritically eating at their establishments.
Even when we suspect there may be some cross contamination or issues after the fact, we trust that the restaurant did all it could to provide a safe meal. We suffer in silence because we chose the risk to eat out. However being sympathetic to busy kitchens, I always worry that someone back there is going CUE EYE ROLL at the next person who can't eat gluten or dairy or casein or sugar or whatever and then just chooses to serve the food as is. It must drive them bat sh*t crazy! We used to have to explain what gluten was and now it's the opposite. Everyone seems like they have a handle on doing it, yet I don't feel comfortable with a lot of responses I get upon inquiry.
Specific to your issue, I recently was involved in a group wedding with preactivities. We chose to discreetly bring our own meal (twice) and cleared it with the restaurant ahead of time (or rather the bride did). Frankly the restaurant was happy to not worry about the cross contamination and were fine with bringing in the meal and even offered to heat it up (which we declined). It's about the comraderie if it's done right. And we got asked a few questions of course but it turned back to the bride/couples' day.
If people choose to put their food issues before participating in life's activities then that's their own choice and don't feel guilty. Some people like to be special. True Celiacs or those with allergy issues know how polarizing and antisocial our lifestyle can be. It's hard to eat out...people won't invite you over because they are afraid they will poison you. you can't go to a lot of restaurants with friends if you really have to eat...etc.etc. Most of us seek to be accomodating and blend in and be included. FYI That's how you'll know the difference!
Megh
As someone who has been on one of those evangelical, wacko, fad diets for about fifteen months now, and who is finally finding that I can start eating, every once in a while, "normal" foods, based upon the normative standards of high quality, "good" food in American culture (I'm not talking McD here, but high class restaurant food) without feeling truly awful for several days afterwards, I have to say that I would have been very appreciative if I had received an invitation that was (courteously) sensitive to my dietary needs. As it was, during the period when I needed to be strictly adherent to my evangelical, wacko, fad, (and nonetheless highly effective diet), I took my own food to all of these sort of occasions anyway, and I ate it on the sly. I would have been thrilled if someone had said, "you know, I understand that you probably aren't going to be eating any of the food that is being served, but we would still love to have your company." I would be more than happy to spend time with folks with a glass of water and an already full belly -- instead of horrible, after feeling pressured to eat something I shouldn't have, for the rest of the wedding festivities!
Lisa
Yeah, I have a few of these (one worse than the other) in my family as well. She's continually coming up with new foods she simply must eliminate from her diet (for whatever reason). Between the foods she says she cannot eat and the ones she will not eat, she has basically become an annorexic, and very unheathy in the process. She is a close family member, therefore dinners with them happen throughout the year and I deal with it this way: I make a few suggestions on what I might cook and if those seem problematic to them, I politely suggest that they bring one dish for her. Oddly enough, they understand and either way it works out.
In the case of the wedding, I agree....serve what you want. Let them know what you're serving and if they don't want to partake, they can meet up afterward. If they're offended, so be it, it's her daughter's day. The extra cost notwithstanding, it's rude to expect people to cater to such extreme whims (with the exception of true allergies to foods). Hopefully they will be gracious.
mattgmann
Not too long ago I brought home a leg of lamb. Seeing as we are a family of two, I invited a few friends over for dinner that evening, explaining that I had a huge leg of lamb and we'd love some help eating it. Within an hour of guests arriving, I got not one, but two notices that their wives didn't like lamb. One gentleman even proposed that he could bring over some frozen chicken he had and that I could cook that for his wife and anyone else that may not like the lamb (I could have reached through the phone and punched him).
Luckily, for myself and everyone around me, I was in a tremendously good mood. I grabbed a chicken from the fridge (slated for another meal that week ) and threw it on the outdoor grill to smoke roast.
I did however reserve the fabulous bottle of cab franc for those enjoying the lamb.
At least the author of this letter knows where possible troubles lie. Too many times have I had guests notify me as their plate was presented as to what imagined food allergy they were claiming that day, or what exotic(to lame midwesterner) food they didn't fancy.
I agree with Ruhlman; politely tell them that you won't be accommodating them.
Acasse
Well, how badly does she want these 10-12 people to celebrate with her? Isn't that the question?
I have a vegan friend who is very dear to me and if I want her at an "event" I am planning, I try to make sure there is at least one to two dishes for her. She NEVER expects anything though and most often brings her own food or cooks alongside me. We've even done Thanksgiving like this and it's fine.
Having said that, I'd accommodate the bona fide allergies and let the others decide whether or not to come.
You can include a menu in the invitation with a note that says special requests are not possible for this event. And wait for the RSVPs....no need to make a big statement. (you can let the ones with "real" issues know before hand)
P.S. The meal in the picture looks divine. Can you point me in direction of the recipes for those potatoes? 😉
Victoria
Dear Heather and Michael,
Well said.
As always, Michael ruhls. (Sorry; the devil made me do it.)
Natalie Lewis
Ha! I agree with Victoria
Mitch
I think the polite addition to the invite sounds perfectly reasonable. But let's not assume that anyone who has different dietary needs will necessarily impose that at the luncheon. I eat paleo, not as a fad but it's what works best for me. But i certainly wouldn't attend such an event demanding special treatment.
MissSlim
I agree 100% with your point and your response. One small note however. I'm pretty sure most cheeses are lactose free - certainly hard and aged cheeses are. 90% of the lactose runs out with the whey and another 2% is lost in fermentation. So people who claim to be allergic to lactose can ask for that cheese cart!
Caroline
I was thinking this too. I can't drink a glass of milk or eat a scoop of ice cream, but cheeses and yogurts are not a problem. With lactose intolerances/allergies it's usually not an all-or-nothing deal.
Peter O.
Yes, I'm fairly sure most of the lactose stays in the whey
Stacey Ellen Ballis
I agree with Michael, but also think...these are your husband's SIBLINGS? It isn't like it is some distant relative with whom you have no relationship. Can't your husband just call them and say directly that you completely honor their eating and lifestyle choices, but as they can imagine, this is an expensive per-person cost, and that the restaurant is not in a position to honor any special requests beyond vegetarian, which will not be a gluten-free/paleo/grapefruit/cabbage soup diet option. I know if I was honest with my siblings about an issue like this, they would totally understand not wanting to lay out money for uneaten meals, and they wouldn't be happy sitting around not eating either. I think the "join us later" gives them an oportunity to participate without incurring ridiculous costs.
KCG
Michael, that does look like a wonderful and reasonable meal - except for the potatoes. 😉 Really, there are diets and there are diets. I'm diabetic and sugar, flour and to a lesser extent root veg and fruit are literally poison to my body. This makes it difficult to eat out either at restaurants or with friends. We went to Passover a couple of weeks ago. Was I not going to have matzo? It's actually not a hard choice for me. But that said, I would never ask my hosts to cater to my special needs. And since I know how to cook, I can almost always pick my way through a menu or a dish. But that, can be awkward for my host - as I leave the matzo balls in the bowl.
Jeannie
I realize I am being picky, but really I would love to see far more vegetables and less meat in your "perfectly balanced" meal picture otherwise I completely agree with your sentiments.
michelle
First I would like to say that I agree with the solution. It is not the hosts job, especially in such a big group, to account for every little dietary need. The gracious thing to do would be for the guest to decline attendance to the meal, and join their loved ones later for the true celebration. That said, some of the intolerances listed are not necessarily "philosophies" or "extremist diets". One doesn't have to be a celiac to get sick from eating gluten or diabetic to get sick from eating sugar, etc. Yes, there are those who jump on every dietary bandwagon, but to paint everyone with the same brush is incredibly close minded. Yes, take a stand but don't be insulting about it. (now if the guests are boorish, all bets are off!)
Sam
That description of the woman in the restaurant--that was my entire week last week. My boyfriend's aunt and uncle were visiting from out of town. Every restaurant we went to: "Is that made with cream? I'm allergic to dairy--except for butter. Butter's fine." By the end of the week my head was about to explode.
On the other hand, excellent advice.
LouisatheLast
Actually, that's totally reasonable. Different dairy products have different levels of lactose, because of aging or fermentation. Milk and cream are only tolerable in small amounts for me, while butter, good-quality yogurt, and cheese are fine. Butter is almost all fat, yogurt has had most lactose removed through fermentation, and cheese is made by lactose-eating cultures.
Kenneth
1. You serve what your daughter wants, with whatever accommodations for diets you're willing to provide (since the expense seems to be a major concern).
2. You invite the people who fall within your "close friends and family" category, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR DIETARY PREFERENCES.
3. You DO NOT invite them not to come while making snide remarks about their food choices.
4. You don't have to make nice if they are nasty about their food choices and your lack of accommodation of them.
5. You don't get to complain publicly about whether people eat the food you provide or how much it costs.
I'm horrified that someone would even consider telling a close relative that if they aren't going to eat the meal you don't want them at the intimate event for family and friends at a wedding. HORRIFIED.
Terri
I think letting the family know that you can't possibly accommodate every trendy food phobia, in the entirely polite and reasoned way she's already phrased it, is perfectly fine. I may copy the way she's phrased it for future use, since I've been known to host a party or two. (Though, thankfully, most of my friends are foodies and just want to eat things that taste good.) This is the sort of unnecessary drama that sets my teeth on edge. I've worked in restaurants and have had people tell me they're allergic to garlic simply because they don't like it--really, you're going to pretend to have an autoimmune disorder because you don't LIKE something? I do have a shellfish allergy and I haaaaate feeling like I have to be demanding. (I mean, I am when I have to be, but most restaurants will happily work with a reasonable person.) My boyfriend is a vegetarian (not vegan, but no seafood, either) and in situations where a vegetarian choice isn't provided, I've watched him choose the lowest rung on the food chain available, without making the host feel terrible or drawing attention to how his "special needs" weren't met. Get over yourselves, people.
Shelly
I think it's quite interesting that the people in my life who have a genuine food intolerance are the most gracious about their dietary needs, whereas I find my family members who are prone to picky eating and fad diets are usually the most difficult to please (regardless of whether or not I plan around their food preferences, actually).
However, I'm sensing some extra venom to these comments directed at the fact that these prospective guests are excluding foods based on a dietary fad. Would there be less hard feelings if they were simply picky eaters who only liked brown rice, meat, and some fruits/veggies?
Would that be less annoying?
Jason Sandeman
There are two schools of thought here Michael:
1) If there are serious dietary concerns, then it makes sense to bring them up for the reception. That way a smart bride/groom/mother/father or whoever are arranging the reception can let the chef know. It is common practice to have allergies/special requests and if the chef knows in advance, then the operation will go smoothly.
2) As for Paleo/Primal/Gluten free- Michael, despite what your feelings are on this matter, get used to it. There is a wave coming your way, a tsunami. You may not see it for the small waves coming now, but you will see more of it. People are turning to these "wacky" diets because they are tired of the processed crap thrown at them, from CAFO operations, not being able to get raw milk, and the general politicking over the USDA recommendations of what people should eat. People are getting sicker on the pyramid plan, and are tired of being told it's because they are gluttons and are lazy, and need to move more, and eat less.
For me, I have no problem eating at an Italian restaurant. I love the food. However, I am a T1D, and I'll be damned if someone thinks that it's not important enough to care about. I will mention my dietary needs to them, and if they get pissy about it, it's okay. I don't really have to come after all. In terms of the Paleo/Primal people, well - they can have a pass for one night, as the lifestyle builds that in. My advice for the letter writer is to remind the people that the lifestyle is an 80/20 affair. The wedding reception is a feast, a celebration, something that surely fits into the 20% camp.
Michael, I have always respected you, I just feel like your anger is a bit misdirected. Yes, people get annoying with all the requests, and seem to be from Mars with their diets. I can only sum it up like this: I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a little over 2 years ago. I need insulin in order to live, and I need to be like a hawk over my diet so I can control my sugar level - and avoid going to high, or too low. Both can result in a coma.
Before my diagnosis, I didn't have to THINK about what I ate. I didn't need to count carbohydrates, count and compare to my insulin ratio to correct with insulin. Eating was so much easier... into the trap it went. I feel like maybe with a little understanding about the challenges people are facing today with their food, you will be less quick to anger over what I feel you incorrectly view (and incorrectly spell) as "food fascism."
Dave Nadal
Accommodating people who have chosen a particularly occult dietary plan has certainly gotten out of hand...but please take a look at things from the other side: disease. MR alluded to it very briefly in his response—celiac, shellfish allergies...and I'd also like to add my own condition, diabetes. Most of you have NO idea what it's like to have to monitor what and how much of every dam' thing that goes down your gullet...to open a menu and immediately have to (not choose to—have to) mentally X out whole sections.
In a situation like the MIL-to-be describes above, I can usually find a salad or something that won't spike my blood glucose levels, but it's not always easy, and it's yet another one of the things that reminds people with disease-related dietary restrictions that they're on the outside looking in. Things like work parties where all that's served is full-sugar soda...no diet, not even any water. And if you feel you have to continually justify what a pain in the ass your diet makes you to your host or your server, over and over and over again, sometimes you may start sounding a bit defensive, or pushy.
But when someone planning an event chooses to include ALL of their friends and family—not by making everybody live up to the strictures a few choose to live by, but by providing a few simple options for those who require accommodation—man, you can't believe how good a little thing like that feels.
Lisa
I am one of those annoying jerks who makes crazy food choices. I take full responsibility for my douchebaggery. My latest thing is sticking to unprocessed foods as much as possible. So no refined sugar or white flour etc. I understand this is MY crazy. I would NEVER expect a bride and groom to adjust their menus because I am choosing to be a picky eater. What would I do... ask them to make the cake with wheat pastry flour and applesauce? I would just eat before I went. OR (more realistically for me) say "F it" because it's a wedding and just enjoy myself and eat whatever they serve. One awesome meal full of white flour and sugar won't hurt anyone (save people with real allergies.) Elective food choices are not the bride or groom's problem. I love that her mother cares enough to check, but just order what you want and let them take care of themselves.
homer
What's the point of inviting people if you are going to belittle them behind their backs? I'm sorry but this woman is just looking to punish some relatives she doesn't really like, all the while expecting them to show up with gifts for her daughter.
I'd really be interested in hearing the daughter's perspective. And how hard is it to offer a SALAD for those guests with picky tastebuds. A nice, organic salad with some delicious heritage tomatoes?
Leo
Right -- "I can eat all this food and feel great, therefore everybody must be exactly like me, screw anyone who disagrees." Look up the definition of fascism, Michael, you tool.
Matt K
Outstanding post on all counts but one -- it's "fascism," not "facism." #grammarfascism
Jill from First Comes Health
I don't know why I'm surprised by people's food elitism and snobbery anymore, but I am.
I eat paleo (mostly) only because it makes me feel good. I also would never ever ever expect anyone to dance around my choices for any reason. If someone is going to be generous enough and gracious enough to provide me with a meal (or even snacks!) I will graciously and gratefully eat it. Period.
As a holistic health coach I can assuredly say that if the guests do not have Celiac disease or other such allergy or intolerance, one meal will not render their guts permanently leaky, and destroy gut flora beyond repair.
Great response, Michael Ruhlman! All class! I hope you have permission from the emailer to let us know how the event goes and how the picky guest reacted.
Elizabeth
I'm a private chef who deals with many of these unique dietary requests on a daily basis, so it's not so uncommon in my world. That said, I am compensated to pay such close attention to all these obscure food nuances. For such a special event, it seems most important to focus on the bride and groom and allow everyone else to simply take care of themselves -- like it or not.
DiggingDogFarm
I don't get worked up over this! There are too many other food related things to get worked up over! LOL
Here's what's for dinner!! Take it or leave it!!
Justin Ross
First, I think some of us are getting a little too worked up over this. Reread the letter. The relatives haven't yet "demanded" anything. Heather is just planning ahead, expecting them to.
That said, if they do start demanding things, they're jerks.
As a firm proponent of the paleo way of eating (over a year now, and couldn't be happier), I go well out of my way to try and make sure I'm not inconveniencing others. It's pretty tough for me to find a restaurant where I can't eat SOMETHING with only very minor modifications (burger with no bun, replace a side of rice with extra vegetables, etc).
Heather, for your paleo-eating guests, feel free to remind them that intermittent fasting is an important part of the paleo way of life. 🙂
Also, regarding gluten-free dilettantes: As somebody mentioned previously, there are different levels of gluten intolerance. It's now quite often seen as a spectrum, rather than just "celiac/no celiac". Personally, before trying the paleo diet, I'd eat reasonably-sized meals, and have stomach bloating/cramping. It wasn't until I cut gluten out of my diet for a while (then tried it again) that I realized those problems were caused by gluten.
A little here and there doesn't cause me any noticeable issues, but if I were to, say, eat a slice of bread, I'd be hating life for a day or two. No, it's not life-threatening, but it's more than just a trendy choice. While it's clearly a biased source of info, looking around the paleo/GF blogsphere/forums/etc, there are countless other similar anecdotes from those that have gone gluten-free.
The point I'm trying to make is this: whether it's a fad diet or not, sometimes an elimination diet can show people what sensitivities they actually have. When you've had an issue with something for most/all of your life, it's hard to notice until it goes away.
Oh, and for Sam: there's almost no lactose in butter. Most lactose-intolerant people can eat it without incident.
The "allergic to milk that isn't organic" is a riot, though. Along that same vein, I just went to a wedding, and one of the guests insisted that she couldn't drink "new world" wine.
Still haven't figured that one out. 🙂
Joel
I have a theory the humans desire a certain amount of drama, uncertainty, & anxiety to feel normal. How do you spot the bright moments in life without a dark background?
This drives both extremes: base jumping, Japanese Fugu, & affairs. Banning playground games, fake food allergies, and Facebook drama queens.
Some of it is narcissism, some of it is a need to feel something about your food when you don't have to worry when you're getting your next meal.
Some of it is ignorance, i.e. Alton Brown's tweet this week that his audience was outrages about pink slime, but nobody could tell him what it is.
Your advice is spot on. It's factual, non-judgmental, and fair. If anyone is offended, well, Lincoln said ""Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
Babette
Like so many others, I think Heather's response is diplomatic and generous.
Some years ago, I noticed a trend in manners amongst many in our 30ish circles, namely, to see every social invitation as the starting point to a negotiation. "I can't make to dinner next Saturday, could you move it to the following week?" , or "I know your invite says "adults only" but you didn't mean my kids, right?", or even "I might be able to come, what are you cooking?"
It ain't about the food, it's about seeing everything as a transaction.
Eleanor
I took from Michael's post that the core issue was the prosyletizing and unpleasantness; the fact that it was around which foods they did/did not eat was secondary to the attitude that came with it. As most of the respondants here have pointed out, graciousness is key when you are an invited guest. Unfortunately it's hard to dictate graciousness, even harder when it's family. Good luck to all at the wedding feast!
Deb Dobbins
The days of graciousness, as a guest, have disappeared only to be replaced by the "me, me, me", but it is just this dilemma that drives me to recommend that my customers avoid sit down dinners and opt for elegant buffets that allow their guest to pick and chose for themselves. I appreciated your response, Michael, and those of your followers
Monte Mathews
I will never forget getting a phone call at 4:30 pm the night my dinner guests were to arrive at 7:00 telling me that the both husband and wife had become vegetarians. This is all very well but to only allow 2 and half hours between this pronouncement and my having to put dinner on the table was so rude, in my opinion, that I seem to remember that all they had to eat that night was a baked potato and some greens.
Annie
That's a very gracious way to handle it.
Myself, I'd probably try harder to have the restaurant come up with a menu to accommodate the food wackos. But that's because my husband and many of my friends are vegetarian/vegan/gluten "intolerant"/paleo dieting/low carbing....etc. There's truly no way to please everyone but I suppose some kind of buffet arrangement would let people pick and choose if the restaurant could arrange it. These days, I would think the restaurant would be used to dealing with this and have some suggestions.
Mantonat
My wife (who has celiac disease) and I recently discovered a wonderful local product - fresh gluten-free pasta - while at a grocery store. The creator of the new product was giving out samples and we walked up to his table just as he was being chewed out by a woman who was furious that he had not made the pasta vegan friendly as well (it has eggs in it). He tried to explain that he and his partner had created the product primarily for those who can't eat gluten and that he did not want to compromise the quality of the pasta by using egg substitutes. She walked off in a huff while my wife thanked him profusely for making such tasty pasta and gnocchi. As someone who must avoid gluten, my wife tries her hardest to not ruffle feathers or make a fuss about her dietary needs. But it's also infuriating to see people who make dietary choices act with rudeness or self-entitlement rather than grace and gratitude.
Alison
This makes me really sad. When you host an event like this, you realize that there is an expense involved. You're paying for people's company. Nobody went around my wedding reception ensuring that everyone ate the meal that was served and drank the champagne that was poured for them, on our dime.
Bricktop Polford
At our wedding there were three choices: Veal, grouper, and F.O.
Good job that was more than 20 years ago, or we would have also been inundated with not only the narcissist/trendy diet questions, but also the sustainable, cruelty-free locabores. Luckily none of them existed back then.
Julie
I'm conflicted. My daughter (& I) have Celiac Disease. It made her quite ill before we knew what it was and were able to change her diet. When attending functions where we know there will be a meal, we try to eat beforehand and bring snacks for afterward if we are unable to make other arrangements. I never expect the hosts to make special arrangements for us.
However... if it is a close family member who is the host, I would be hurt if they did not at least offer an alternative for us -- for my daughter especially since she is still young and feels any exclusion quite painfully.
Of course, this is a medical issue -- I would not advise anyone giving up gluten if they did not need to do so as I do not find it to be intrinsically healthier. If you are on a special diet for personal reasons, you should make your own arrangements and the host should not give it a second thought.
Jan
My husband and I are those who are "touched in the head" with our diet - we mostly follow a paleo/WAPF sort of diet. We eat cleanly at home. We don't eat out often, and are careful about where we DO dine outside of home. When we find a restaurant that serves grass-fed beef, pastured pork and chicken, AND listens when I tell them absolutely, positiviely NO GLUTEN WHATSOEVER (I have celiac), we rejoice and gladly give them repeat business.
Now, having said that, I would NEVER EVER EVER impose my dietary restrictions on such a special occasion, and that woman's family is full of assholes. If I'd been invited to this lovely function, I'd tell them, "You know, I can't eat wheat, so I'll skip the bread and pasta, but you know - I'd just love some polenta or risotto!" Hell, I'd even eat cheese (along with celiac, I'm casein-sensitive) and deal with the temporary sinus issues. You can't live your life in a bubble, and those people are RUDE if they insist she cater to them, or make her pay for a meal they won't eat.
Victoria
Wheat allergy here (not a life threatening reaction, but I'll be unhappy any popping Benidryl for a few days after even minor cross-contamination) and these people also drive me nuts. Because they just spout off all these rules, restrictions, etc., and take no responsibility for it themselves. For the few incidents of eating out for a big ground dinner since I've had to deal with this dietary restriction, I'm the one calling the place to see what they have to say about meeting my dietary restriction. And if they can't do it safely, I'll eat before hand. I don't expect the world to automatically do what I need it to unless I am willing to also do my part and explain what my exact needs are.
Ben
I can't believe it hasn't been said yet, but there's one easy way to cover a lot of these fad diets - Family style dining. We did family style for 80 at our wedding, it was fun and allowed us our guests to chose for themselves what they thought they could eat.
Though in all honesty, dietary restrictions never came up in our wedding planning. Not a single time, and nobody approached us either. We really didn't invite that sort of commentary at any point, though, in large part due to us planning the whole thing in less than 3 months.
Andrea
I suggest a nice insert for the invitation that recites the menu and has the following notation: Please understand that the size of our celebration does not allow us to accommodate special dietary restrictions. If you are not able to share this meal with us, please arrive at ___ o'clock for celebratory speeches and toasts to the happy couple.
Then I'd start practicing my stock speech in response to the inevitable inquiries... because some folks never seem to understand that something is directed at THEM.
Anne
The mother who said her kid was allergic to non-organic milk was most likely not boring you to death by going on about the bovine growth hormones that can be present in non-organic milk.
Dan
But, then that's not an allergy is it? I think that's the issue here where some people feign medical condition to try to ensure others feel obligated to accommodate their eating style preference. Given that hGH and bGH share significance sequence homology at the protein level, it's highly unlikely to be allergic to one and not the other. A person who is allergic to GH, in general, is going to have much bigger issuers than diet preference.
Austin Val
Perfect answer, Michael.
Joe Santos
Wait, 75 people is a "small luncheon"?
Flatlander
I think if you are going to be someone's guest at thier table or a resturant where they are footing the bill, the civilized thing to do is sit down and eat what is in front of you. If you have a legitimate medical issue, not some imaginary disease of the moment, politly inquire before hand to see if you can be accomodated, if not decline.
Rambo
My favorite guest allergy at a restaurant is "mayonnaise". I asked "are you allergic to eggs?...to oil?... to lemons?... to salt?... to pepper?" "No, no, no, no and no." Interesting that the combination of these ingredients can cause an allergic reaction.
Earl Schiffke
I'd elope in Las Vegas to avoid all this nonsense. Those family members with the imaginary food ailments need a good slap.
Lydia
Michael, these kinds of posts are my very favourite ones that you write. Wonderfully written letter, great response. Thank you!
amanda
i had a small wedding where we served beer (new glarus) and bbq (smoque) it was amazingly delicious. there were 2 vegetarians in attendance who quite happily ate the mac & cheese, cornbread and coleslaw. when planning the wedding one of my coworkers who is a vegetarian, and who i never liked, said if there wasn't a vegetarian option at a wedding she wouldn't go. easy enough, she wasn't invited. i will not spend my thousands of dollars to lean to the whim of one person. i mean it was bad enough i had to forgo hoppy beer because my husband doesn't like it 😉
JsinGood
My only issue with this post is the initial case of the lactose intolerant woman used as an example of food fascism. My girlfriend is lactose intolerant and allergic to oysters, but loves both cheese and oysters - at least she used to love oysters until the allergy oddly developed (and it's pretty severe). She still looks upon them with longing though. Fortunately, there's a pill she can take for the lactose - waiting for science to come up with something similar for the oysters. If they do, they could make a fortune off my girlfriend alone. Weirdly, she's fine with all other forms of shellfish. In any case, there have been a couple of times where we've been out, and she thought she forgot her pill, so we were left with no choice but to inform a server of her situation, and then she later found her pill buried in her purse, so it was no longer an issue. I think in lumping legitimate, uncontrollable allergies and conditions in with personal choice diets together under the umbrella of "food fascism" (I know you make a distinction later in the post) confuses the issue. Albeit, some do take their response to allergies to a tyrannical extreme - such as banning peanuts at locations completely to combat peanut allergies.
All that said, my girlfriend would never think to make either of her conditions an issue with an event someone else is funding. With the near infinite number of trendy dietary restrictions that seem to have sprung into existence recently for various "ethical" and pseudo-scientific nutritionist reasons, it's becoming increasingly impossible to even bother catering to everyone else's personal choices. And it's a sad state of affairs where every food fascist expects everyone else to pander to their lifestyle decisions. It's selfish and self-centered to an extreme.
Skip
I'm pretty much in tune with the posts above saying "you don't need to accommodate for the restrictive diets." Now having said that I'm pretty sure that the last three weddings I've attended the hosts had three or four entrée plates to choose from. Usually meat, fowl, fish, and non-dairy vegetarian. And even though they didn't have wedding cake and dessert options, there was a salad and a variety of appetizers. I thought most people would have had something to eat. I think that's dang considerate enough.
Ryan Jones
I'm on a wacky diet. No medical reason—just a narcissist wanting to retain and continue to improve my rather well toned bod. (Screw "well balanced"; the elimination of sugars and grains made the soft pouch of water weight vanish and the abs appear in a way years of crunches never could accomplish.) And my better-half is on a just as inconvenient diet—frustratingly not complementary to mine—for a real medical issue to do with her bladder.
As a macronutrient nutcase and burning-bladder sufferer, we know that we need to be totally responsible for our own diets. It can be embarrassing and inconvenient at first, but if you are going to adhere to an unconventional diet (whether due to ethics, health, or vanity), you have to learn how to maneuver in the normal eater's world. This means bringing your own food to picnics, Thanksgiving and on the plane (I always brought my own for flying even before the abs); calling ahead to ask about ingredients; and sometimes missing events that revolve around food, at which either the host or attendee would be upset by lack of suitable options. Nobody should have to go out of their way to accommodate we food psychos.
That said: If there is an easy fix that would allow your new family members' to eat and attend without too much hassle, would it really be that bad to ask the restaurant to whip up a single, different dish that would please most/all of the wackos? If the chef doesn't care that they'd have to broil a dozen chicken breasts and a few heads of cauliflower to get the head count up, and it would create more harmony on this day that's supposed to be all about family togetherness, why not spend the 30 seconds on the phone with the restaurant to try and come up with an offering to make all happy?
Mary
I love this! If you are serious about the point you are making in this piece, you seriously need to reconsider your interactions with Gluten Free Girl aka Shuana Ahern. She is exactly the type of person you rail against here.
Skip
Mary, I suspect you didn't read the article carefully.
MR wrote,
"As you noted in a follow up email that no one in your party has any serious conditions (celiac disease, shellfish allergies), I would serve whatever the hell makes your daughter happy."
Kevin
Nice response, Michael. They could also state the menu, then, to quote the menu from "Animal", "Changes and modifications politely declined." Love that.
Clay
So, these people are fascists for choosing what they eat? There seems to be nothing in this email indicating they have demanded to be accommodated.
And who, exactly, gets to decide what is a "real" dietary concern?
matt
a doctor
Celia
Like some of the other commenters, I'm conflicted. I am severely gluten intolerant and have some pretty serious issues with dairy too. (I won't have anaphylaxis, but will be miserable for several days with minor cross-contamination.) My daughter gets ill for days with even moderate quantities of soy, and my kids are both gluten-free because of sensitivity. So, we follow something akin to "paleo" or "WAPF" type diets. Mostly it's real food, but always GF.
I do NOT expect people I'm not close with to provide anything for me at get-togethers. I always pack things like Larabars in case there's nothing for me to eat. Usually I find something, but I've been known not to eat at functions. I honestly don't care. It's not my hosts' job to cater to my dietary needs--yes, they are NEEDS--if there are a huge number of people who don't need the same thing. I get it. I am not concerned about a peanut reaction or anything, so whatever.
However, if it's a small gathering of very close friends and family? I'd be a little offended if they didn't care enough to at least have a side dish I could nosh on. Even a salad or a sorbet. Just the THOUGHT of trying to provide something, however small.
I am almost with you on this, but for the over-generalization that all people doing this kind of thing are inherently picky eaters. Vegans, while picky on some accounts, often do it for purely ethical reasons. It's not allergies, but it is a really deep choice. Often vegans I know will--like me--take a snack with or eat before just in case. Also, I would do anything to be able to eat gluten on occasion. It's just not in the cards. I'm not sure whether this woman is aware that even her "paleo" guests might actually react to gluten if given to them. But I don't think she should be required to provide a separate meal. Maybe, though, a side dish or two that would fit the bill? It's an Italian restaurant, for goodness' sake. Veggies with olive oil would satisfy most people. Or a salad. Usual dinner fare.
And honestly, if they really don't want to eat, they don't have to. They can come anyway and partake in beverages. Or they can not go. I often go places I can't eat with friends and have a drink or something just to visit with loved ones.
Rich
Reminds me of my own wedding when a guest couple requested a gluten free meal for their son who proceeded to steal the Belgian chocolates from several tables and never touched his meal.
An invitation is an honor. An honor that, once accepted, becomes an obligation. An obligation to show up, on time, clean, dressed, and ready to enjoy whatever the host has planned. If you can't handle the obligation, don't accept the invitation.
Hilary
I feel for Heather. This is really a dilemma for her and not really about food preferences, I think. Heather is trying to please a lot of people, while still affording her daughter's wedding meal and trying to keep the bridal couple in mind. I think it is admirable that she would even consider the vegan/gluten free/(insert food to avoid) diets.
I have a nut allergy. It has never been life threatening, but I have found myself with an itchy throat, unbearable rash and terrible stomach ache from time to time after ingesting a dish with tree nuts accidentally. I can usually count on this happening a couple times a year. I sympathize with those who must avoid, but that is the key. I avoid nuts. I don't find it all that difficult and I try not to complain. I ask questions of servers, chefs- but I try not to make it a bigger deal than it is. I've found that in a rush to accommodate GF/Vegan/nut free lifestyles, mistakes are made. There is a general lack of understand as to HOW allergens can contaminate other food, and simple procedures like glove changing, dish water changes, etc. are forgotten. Processed substitutes are often used, and are those really healthier? Do we really KNOW what are in those replacements? Just because a food avoids using the
'health villain' of the hour does not mean it is actually healthy!
People who avoid by choice, I think make it tougher for those with allergies. It is hard to have an allergy and be treated with contempt because you have one. I do not expect to be accommodated. I think it is very nice when my relatives don't add pecans to the sweet potato casserole on Thanksgiving and I thank them for being so kind. But I would never demand that they do so.
Rob
How come no one was gluten intolerant back in then1950's and 1960's when I was a kid? Can you say eating disorder?
I myself am exhausted trying to plan a dinner and having to worry about who eats what and when. Do what you want at home but if you are invited somewhere for dinner don't expect meals cooked to order. The correct thing to do is to ask what is being served and if you feel you cannot partake of a communal meal then decline the invite. Vegans, you are welcome at my table, just eat the side dishes but don't think of bringing a bag of carrots for yourself. Because that's what it's really all about, people sharing their food, not just eating together.
Justin Ross
Actually, there are a couple of explanations.
The first note I have is that people WERE gluten intolerant back then, but back then, people didn't really know what it was. In fact, the ancient greeks were aware of a syndrome that may very well have been celiac/gluten intolerance. Likewise, celiac disease was described by researchers in the late 1800s, though its cause wasn't really suggested until the 1940s.
Second is the possibility that the apparent upsurge of (actual, not imagined) gluten intolerance these days is due to the fact that today's wheat is a far different beast than that grown in the 50s and 60s. Today's wheat is a mutant dwarf version of the wheat that humans had previously been growing for thousands of years.
Finally, if celiac disease is indeed more prevalent now than in the past, it's possible that the autoimmune reaction triggered by wheat is actually *caused* by some other environmental element(s) that is (are) becoming more prevalent.
Carri
Wow, my time zone has me joining this party kinda late but it has been fun reading all these comments (and the ones on Facebook, which are oddly even more divisive) with my morning coffee. As a baker who is now a dinner cook, I have seen it all over the 20 years I've had my cafe/bakery. The best line of all is when people come into the bakery looking for gluten free. (ummm, it's a BAKERY!) We immediately ask with concern, "How intolerant are you? Because if gluten is a serious issue, you don't even want to be in here!" Invariably the response is, "oh, a little is ok!" because if they were a celiac, they wouldn't even try. As a food worker in a wheat based kitchen, it is nearly impossible to make food that is not contaminated in some way with wheat spores. It is our choice to cook this way and if it doesn't work for a few of our customers, that is too bad. It is not fair to expect that every public eating place have the resources to accommodate every dietary restriction. The idea that a steak house should be able to provide a decent vegetarian meal is like asking a vegetarian restaurant to pony up a porterhouse. Neither should be held to any ideals other than those in their particular mission statement. That said, if you want to have a family party and you have people with issues, it is the gracious thing to at least make a slight effort to accommodate them. Perhaps letting folks know what the menu will be ahead of time so they can decide how they can/will participate. The family style service seems like the way to go in this particular case. Good Luck to Heather with the family backlash...I'm guessing this will start a shit storm with those folks in her group who love to argue their choices!
Charles
What I always find amazing is how understanding and undemanding people with ACTUAL severe allergies are, and how people who just choose whatever food-fad makes them feel most superior are complete jerks about it. Good Luck Heather, if they give you crap it is because their diet is depriving their brain of the nutrition necessary for BASIC HUMAN DECENCY
Caterer
Yes, there are people who have specific food requirements due to illness or allergy and sometimes they call us ahead of time and very humbly make arrangements for something they can eat. Many times ( not sure how a husband AND a wife can both be lactose-or- gluten intolerant. Did they meet at a support group?) they show up and WHILE THE MEAL IS BEING SERVED want to special order... At a banquet... Which they are not paying for... And hold up all the meals for the non- pain in the ass guests. I think people many times "fake" these ailments because they think the food is not freshly cooked or they will get a better meal. I'm sorry, if the host ordered chicken, you are getting chicken. Just because you want your good grilled doesn't mean I'm going to accidentally give you a filet mignon while everyone else eats chicken. We cook all our food to order and I laugh at these people. When we do get special requests I like to ask questions so I can give the guest what they want and make sure it tastes good. I want them to experience our great food as much as possibe. If someone tells me they are allergic to cheese, I would ask if they are allergic to all dairy, just certain cheese. Sometimes people are just allergic to Renit in certain cheese. Most of the time when I ask questions to better understand their situation I get attitude. F- off crazy person, I'm just trying to help you! The best is when the host knows there is someone who has a special diet. Of course I will make them something they will eat. No, you don't get to pick it, I am the food professional and no, my crystal ball won't be able to tell you which vegetables will be the freshest and most cost effective for us to buy at the market nine months from now on a particular day.
Is one meal not organic going to kill my one year old- no. Would I prefer it, of course. Do I need to make an issue at gramdma's 90th birthday-no. Grandma lived that long and didn't eat organic
Nick (Macheesmo)
I seriously have a headache after reading this post and spot-reading a few of the comments.
This stuff is getting out of control. Just eat real food, people.
Livia
This really isn't about the food.
It's about whether or not you like these people enough to want to feed them.
And if you don't want to feed them, then they shouldn't be invited and you can accept the familial fallout.
Livia
You, sir, have some classy followers. After you linked through twitter to my blog post disagreeing with you, I was sure that it would end up leading to ad hominem attacks. But while people commented on the comment, there weren't any personal attacks - which is better that I expect most places on the internet. Very impressive.
Kate @ Savour Fare
I'm totally risking being flamed for this, but I can't tell you how many friends of mine have come up with food "intolerances" after consulting a naturopath. I feel like there are real, serious, food allergies and intolerances recognized by MDs, and then there are the whole host of "you know that rash you get in dry weather? It's a dairy rash!" diagnoses, and I almost always see the word "Naturopath" when people are describing that. It's totally perpetuating the craziness.
db
After reading through this comment thread, I just realized I have an allergy to nuts.
Nuts who think they have the right to disrupt a family function by proselytizing about the latest fad diet they heard about on Oprah. I'm allergic to them.
Liz
As a caterer, I would say to have your guests let you know what their restrictions are and let them know that you will ask the restaurant to provide them with an appropriate meal. In my business we leave that appropriate meal up to the chef to create so that he can take advantage of other components of the menu if possible. Also, the chef creates one meal that accommodates as many different dietary needs as possible at once - he doesn't create something different for each one. I am assuming with a group of 75 you won't be ordering off of a traditional restaurant a la carte menu and there will either be a served dinner with possibly a choice of entree or perhaps a buffet of some sort. It should not be too hard for the restaurant to accommodate your special dietary requirements as they mostly likely get these kinds of requests all the time.
Doug
While not inviting the siblings seems harsh, the basic premise: not wanting to pay for whole courses of pasta, etc., that won't be eaten is sensible. I guess in the interest of finding a negotiated solution (bad habit as a lawyer), I would suggest that she offer at least one "non-standard" meal, be it vegetarian (which she concedes is easy enough to handle) and/or a "gluten-free" version, which admittedly, I don't know how you do this at an Italian restaurant with a pasta course or two. I know people who have gluten allergies are sensitive to it and it creates rather bad side effects, but these aren't allergies (it appears), but rather personal choices for fad diets. So, if she sends a menu choice along with some sort of polite language indicating that if the menu don't meet your requirements, then please stop by after lunch for desert and cocktails or something like that.
So, that's a way to give a passing attempt at compromise so as not to piss people off. If, of course, pissing them off is perfectly acceptable, then a note saying "This meal is prixe fixe and cannot be altered. If you have substanial food allergies or other dietary restrictions, please eat elsewhere."
Reality check
Oooh, clouds of smug, all over the place.
I agree with Livia above, this isn't about the food at all.
Food facism? I think it's a particularly bad turn of phrase. Facism is not a joke, whether the "F" is upper- or lower-case. Perhaps it's just that particular slice of the upper middle class, that knows nothing of Facism first-hand (and not from the history books either, it seems), who can use such a phrase?
Congratulations to the "third culture kid." Has it occurred to you that even people without exposure to such a rarified atmosphere can still learn about many cultures and cuisines? (As well as literature, film, etc., etc.) I think it's called open-mindedness. It works together with a willingness and desire to learn. You can live anywhere in the world and still have it, it is truly democratic.
I agree with the suggestion above to have the toasts, speeches, etc. before the meal; that seems to be a very diplomatic solution to the problem. Whoever doesn't want to eat the meal that is offered (for whatever reason) can still be there to offer their good wishes, and then leave.
Lauren
As long as everybody eats what you call a sensible meal and eat everyday, then everybody can be independent thinkers who are correct in their food choices! Yeah, that makes sense. Please remove your head from your butt and realize that people can choose to eat what they want and they aren't wrong for that. People can attend a party and refuse to eat the food served. They aren't wrong for that either. People can also throw a party with a fixed menu and refuse to accommodate menu substitutions. They aren't wrong for that either. If you invite people to your party, and they don't want to eat what you serve, then don't take it personally and deal with it. You have a few choices. You can either serve them an alternate menu or you can decide not to and let them decide what and if they want to eat. Problem solved. Stop whining. It's annoying.
Hugh
Does anyone else smell the hypocrisy wafting from this letter? In one breath the letter writer talks about slow food/sustainable/local food philosophy as suiting her "needs", and then in the next breath immediately dismisses wacko dietary faddists for being too upper middle class. Pot meet kettle.
And hey, guess what, this "paleo diet" the letter writer is railing against is the ultimate local/slow food/sustainable diet. Go to a farmers' market. Buy meat, dairy, eggs, and produce - that's "paleo." The picture at the top of this post is "paleo." It's little more than a whole food diet. Wow, crazy talk, those faddists need to "get over themselves" and go buy a Twinkie and have a helping of soylent green.
Maxine
When invited to join someone for a dining event, I try very hard to be sure that what is available is within my dietary requirements. If there is no food that meets those needs, I will decline with good wishes for the occasion and invite them to dine with me and share all the happy news.
It's incomprehensible that someone would insist that their host accommodate ultra-restrictive diet. It's impossibly rude.
Nancy
As a 20-year, non-proselytizing vegetarian (in it for visceral reasons, not ethical), I'd never dream of asking my host(s) to accommodate my diet. But the truly gracious ones always have, even when I've sincerely asked them not to. Granted, next to vegetarianism, some of these new diet trends seem (okay, are) pretty extreme. Ridiculous even. So I sympathize with Heather's predicament. But it sounds like she's as intolerant of some of her would-be guests as they are of gluten and lactose. Everybody just needs to chill the fuck out. Why get your knickers all in a twist over what other people eat or don't eat? If they're not trying to force their diets on you, don't force yours on them. Simple. Until, of course, it comes to feeding them all...
So back to Heather's event: if money is an issue, maybe she should consider trimming the guest list. 75 doesn't exactly sound like a "small luncheon." Why not just invite the people closest to the bride and groom, the people they would miss if they weren't there, and make a sincere effort to accommodate them? Within reason. And—more to the point—with respect. A little generosity of spirit goes a long way. (That goes for all concerned.)
Nancy
Not to imply that the paleo diet is extreme or ridiculous... it actually seems quite sensible and I've seen the positive effects it's had on acquaintances. (Would seem easy to deal with in social settings, too.)
Trish
Perhaps one of the food facists would like to supply food for the picky eaters. A feather in their cap for accommodating the family (not causing them anxiety at such a happy time) and perhaps be grateful for being included. It’s not always about them!
Monty
Third World Problems... If someone hasn't reported this to http://www.whitewhine.com yet then the internet has failed you..
Betty
I just survived a week with my 'in-laws' whose dietary fads change annually. As a happily unmarried couple of 12+ years you've given me one more reason not to get married.
Curtis
I completely agree with your approach in this case. OTOH, I am tired of people calling people they disagree with 'fascists'.
Ed Zeppelin
so you're a comment fascist then
Baygal
I live near the worlds capital of Food Fascists, (why I will go anon), Berkeley. It is almost unbearable to go out to eat, listening to these entitled PICKY eaters. The other big thing is to ask from what farms the menu items came from, then a roll of the eyes if it is not from their fav.
Heather, a wedding is about one thing....THE BRIDE. I agree with Michael and perhaps would not be so polite by stating the facts. I would invite the rude ones and not answer my phone or emails. Hopefully these ruddies will RSVP, if they state dietary concerns, cross then off your list.
Personally, I would probably just invite the real people to the lunch and invite the psychos for dessert.
Here in Berkeley you not only have to deal with the Food Fascists, but also the "chemical sensitive" ones. I once had a patient call and tell me to instruct my staff not to wear deodorant or perfume, the day of her appointment. I bought lunch for the staff the day of her appointment and made sure it was full of garlic and onions...and everyone wore deodorant!
Darcie
Of course I don't know all the details of your experience, but as someone who has migraines that can be triggered by perfumes and other strong scents, I can relate to someone politely asking if your staff could forego these items when they visit. I see no reason not to accommodate them. If it's just someone who doesn't like perfume, that's different. But it's not an unreasonable request - it's not like she asked you to all wear matching clown outfits for her enjoyment.
The gold digger
Yeah, perfume makes me gag. It doesn't give me a migraine (yet, but I'm sure it is working its way onto the list of triggers - bright light didn't used to bother me, but now I can't bear it), but it makes me feel nauseated. Still, I would never demand that nobody wear it. I just wish people would realize how nasty they smell.
Jay
Why wouldn't I accommodate? Because how much energy must I or my employees expend? If "this" for you, then "that" for another; where does it end? No thanks. YOU go and expend your energy looking for someone who will grant your request. I'm fed up with people who have some special circumstance about smells/ingredients/noises/light/material/etc.
Darius
I apreciate your concerns about bright lights and perfumes causing you a reaction. Want to know a secret? you insurance will reimburse my office the same amount -regardless- of how much ass kissing I do for you.
Go live in a darkened non-permeable plastic bubble to prevent any exposures to potentially antigenic or allergic substances. Hopefully before you breed.
sj
Baygal, you and I are neighbors, and it is lovely to see someone else from the food wars front line saying EXACTLY what I was thinking. Brava.
Petoskystone
Wow....When it comes to Multiple Chemical Sensitivities,not only are you callous, you're ignorant. Being a person who has MCS, I can assure you that garlic & onions have nothing to do with triggering an attack. However, scented products (such as deodorant & perfumes) do....exposure leads to migraines, swelling throat, & fatigue, among other symptoms. To read that you vindictively encouraged staff to wear what a patient stated was a trigger is cold-hearted, to put it politely.
Jzelouise
If you are that sensitive -stay home, live in a bubble or get over your entitled self. I travel with an inhaler, epi-pen and benadryl.
Lessa
as a chemically sensitive person (i cook for a living), your client's request doesn't seem that bad. I won't let my staff wear perfume at all and deodorant must be low in the power of scent. I try not to let my sensitivities rule other's lives. If your perfume gives me a migraine, I leave where you are, but I do wonder what happened to people who think bathing in their perfume is a good idea.
Bill McLaughlin
Such self centeredness is rude beyond belief in that they would presume to force their demands on a celebration that is not for them. I suggest that they be told politely that this is the menu the bride has chosen for HER day. If it doesn't suit them they are welcome to join the festivities later in the evening.
bob del Grosso
My view is that if one has the money and patience to accommodate the needs of the fussiest guests, then spend it. If you don't have it then after making an honest effort to meet their needs (invite them to bring their own meals), try to find a way to let them decide for themselves whether or not they will show up.
Dismissing them as fascists may feel good in the short term (and to be fair, people who make demands like that are insufferable) but if we invite them, the burden of making them happy is on us.
ruhlman
bob, her point is she doesn't want to invite them to 1) pay for the food they wont eat, and 2) pay for the food that they will make will lord over her in their not eating of it, and 3) generally annoy the other 65 guests, not to mention the deserved center of attention, the young couple about to be married.
MJC
This IS the point. Ms. Clayton should simply send a copy of the menu to her guests with a polite note that mentions that her daughter came up with the menu, it is set and there will be no substitutions.
It's too much to 'make' them eat the food that is served. if they are invited, food will be served to them, they don't have to eat it. It's not to much to ask that they don't complain about the food that is served or make a scene with the restaurant staff when their dietary requests can not be met.
I eat with this type of person way too often. It's uncomfortable. It makes the dinner unenjoyable. I feel for the bride and her family. It's a shame that something like this has to be seriously considered on what is such an important day.
Karen K.
So DONE with these people. Unless it is a bona fide disease or allergy, they need to chill.
Molly
How hard is it to provide steak and salad for them ? Really ?
bob del Grosso
Ah, I see. I suspect that she doesn't lie them anyway and doesn't want to bother with them at all. I can't blame her really, they sound pretty awful. I didn't invite anyone to my wedding that I had no use for unless I was sure they could be kept in line by surrounding them with people who would intimidate them into silence. Has she considered trying that?
Wilma de Soto
Bob,
Sorry, but it feels VERY good to say this. You KNOW you're my boy but considering that most people who are SO fussy about food because they have money do not even cook or know food. However, they wish to bludgeon those who who do into submission because they can...Forgive me but I have to side with Mr. Ruhlman here. If you don't like the way I do it, hire a cook or more importantly cook it yourself "a su gusto."
Fondest regards,
Wilma
bob del Grosso
Haha Wilma, You caught me trying to be diplomatic when you damn well know that want I wanted to write was "Put a bowl of hemp seeds on the table and tell them to STFU!" 🙂
Paleo-diet indeed. People should be able to eat whatever they want, but no one has any right to demand being fed in a certain way unless they are paying for it themselves.
I mean, if someone has a real food allergy (e.g. my son who blows up near peanuts -he's been hospitalized once) it is totally okay to ask that the allergens not be in the food but that's it.
Dave M
"Such self centeredness is rude beyond belief..."
Oh. For a second I thought you were going to talk about the bride. Honestly I don't think there are any winners here.
Tony
Oh, but fake food allergies are all the rage ! 🙂
whome
Genuine food allergies and dietary concerns with issues like T1 diabetics are one thing. But what the letter and Michael are talking about are folks who have C H O S E N to eat this way or that are a totally different issue. They have made a conscious decision to only eat raw two week old red specked tit mouse lettuce from the hipperthanthoufarmofthehipster in the lower 1/4th acre of an obscure province in Manitoba. Thus the onus for maintaining their diet is squarely on THEM. I would only state very plainly that this is the menu, if you can enjoy it please let me know. If not we'd be happy to see you when the festivities begin and leave it at that. If they want to join and can great, if not less money for you and more food for everyone else. No way in hell would I even consider attempting to placate this type of person, not in the least. Vegetarian is more or less easily accommodated so it's not so much an issue and as I said genuine allergies and restrictions are the exception. The utter arrogance that comes from the type of food fascist described here is disgusting.
Darcie
I have friends with a number of dietary constraints, some self-inflicted (vegetarian), some not (celiac disease, a horrific allergy to bananas). I make an effort to accommodate them when they are in my home, but don't obsess over it. If I have many guests and there is but one vegetarian, I will probably make meat and a substantial side dish that can double as a vegetarian entree. I actually enjoy the challenge of planning a coherent meal that takes into account different tastes and needs.
A wedding is different than dinner at home - it is a celebration of the bridal couple. I have gagged down a lot of shitty food at weddings with no complaint. And if I didn't like it I didn't eat it. If I knew they were going to serve something I couldn't eat, I would politely decline the dinner but join them later. IMO the onus should be on the guests. Don't exclude them from the wedding reception because you disagree with their food policy. It seems the arrogance is going both ways here. What's next - don't invite those relatives who have different political affiliations? Or the uncle who gives uncomfortably long hugs?
If you really can't afford it, I don't disagree with a polite request in the invitation. But expect blowback. I guess the question is, what price is worth offending many of the husband's close relatives?
In the above case, surely there is some chicken dish that can be made and fruit to be served - same thing for all 'special food' guests, don't go crazy. I recently did an Italian dinner that featured a grilled chicken breast with a berry sauce that might fit the bill for these folks. Or a simple Tuscan chicken breast and a bowl of fruit. No need to get too fancy. That should suit most of them.
I agree with Dave M. - no winners here.
Clark
Sure dave. Most. But one might be no sugar, so you'll have one no fruit or berry sauce. 3 might not eat meat, but 1 of those three also doesn't do sugar. 1 vegetarian could also not eat gluten so you can't even give them table bread. The permutations are endless with 10 + people like that. Add that to the other 70 guests and it is incredibly challenging to do from the kitchens perspective. Now imagine there are 4 or 5 courses. Each Course might have 10 different plates of food.
Dracil
Maybe it's just me, but the funny thing is that as far as I can tell, the photo of your "sensible dinner" would actually fit completely within these future siblings-in-laws you think are being way too picky.
The other thing that strikes me is the apparent need to put down those who are different. I thought they were the ones who were supposed to be the fascists here.
Diana
Food allergies are no joke, and a person with a food allergy should be able to ask politely if there is any possibility for a dish to be altered or have an ingredient left off without feeling like a rapist. For a while in the late 90's, there was a fad for sprinkling almonds all over the damn place, and not mention it on the menu. I dodged death many times. now, pistachios are "hot". "How do I make this dish ULTRA EDGY? I know! I'll add pistachios!" Yeah, like no one else is doing that.
So I ask, "hey, would it please be possible to leave off the pistachios? I'm seriously allergic and will have to epipen myself and go to the ER if I eat one. "
'NOOOOOOOO! You would seriously destroy the Chef's VISION! His CREATION!!!"
"I'm sure the Jidori chicken wrapped in bacon donuts is perfectly lovely without toasted pistachio brittle"
"GOD no, you philistine! I KNEW you weren't hip enough for this place when I saw you had no skinny jeans or porkpie hat!"
"Well, OK, thanks, I guess. I'm going somewhere else."
Anne
If it's an Italian restaurant, I have a hard time imagining that some simple grilled/roasted meats and good, uncomplicated vegetable dishes are outside their standard repertoire. Is the meal being served family-style? If not, has family-style been considered? It seems like that arrangement allows for much more flexibility in terms of offering a variety of different dishes to accommodate different sensitivities and preferences. It's certainly much easier to put together a family-style menu of, say, 6-8 dishes that addresses these issues than to decide on one or two main course options that address all possible permutations of dietary preference/restriction.
I certainly agree that it's asking too much of the bridal party to bend over backward and cater every single one of the dishes to suit all sensitivities/choices at once. That said, I do think it would show good grace on the part of the hosts to make at least some accommodation. By going the family-style route, you could serve some vegetables, some pasta, some grilled/roasted meats, etc. and hopefully everyone can enjoy at least one of the dishes.
Of course, that assumes that family-style is an option--for the party and for the restaurant. I realize that might not be the case.
David
The word is "fascism," Ruhlman. Not facism. Facism sounds like a group of radical vegans that won't eat anything with a face.
DJK
1) I think you should be thankful that only 13-16% of your friends & family are a little kooky.
2) I think you should be especially thankful that what they're kooky about is what they eat.
3) I don't think it's likely a coincidence that the kooky family members just happen to belong to your husband's side of the family, rather than your own.
Family is a pain in the ass. Inhale. Invite them without qualification. Deal. Exhale when they leave.
Lou
I think it would be entirely appropriate to advise them about your food philosophy in choosing the particular establishment and of the menu options at the luncheon. Point out this is a personal choice of the bride and designed to make her day special from a culinary perspective and expects those partaking of the special meal to enjoy these particular choices. If the choices are problematical and do not satisfy their particular culinary choices they will be most welcome to join the festivities at a later time in the afternoon.
Three Pipe Problem
DJK's comment is a good one. Heather is being a stereotypical mother-in-law, can't come out looking good from escalating the drama this way.
As an aside, the conservative medical view is now that 13% of the US population has either gluten sensitivity or celiac disease detectable by genetic testing. Yep, that's 13%. Recently Scientific American featured a cover story to the effect that the "leaky gut" may well be the common denominator behind all autoimmune disease.
That being said, I've never found it difficult to avoid gluten in most restaurants, even given fixed menus at functions I can usually find something. And sometimes I just don't worry about it at special occasions. It seems quite easy, from the host point of view or the guest point of few, to make a few small accommodations so that people can stay on their diets. Almost any menu that operates has to offer a variety of foods to cater to these different diets on a daily basis, and handles such requests as a matter of course. But I'm sure you all could fight about it if you want to.
Kimber
I haven't been to any wedding celebrations for awhile and don't ever remember being given advanced notice of the menu items. It probably is a good idea to eliminate wasting the cost and food, yet there's usually a voracious eater that would be happy to consume a second helping, esp. since it seems smaller portions can be the norm. They could let them bring their own preferred meal and eat in the car. .
BrandonA
I'm embaressed by my fellow paleo eaters she speaks about. Yeah sure I avoid beans, wheat, cheese most of the time. But a wedding? That is the reason I eat well during the week so I can go all out and celebrate when needed. I tend to eat paleo but would also recommend not doing anything special for them.
Ted Hentson
"Much of the idiocy is sparked by the media that seems to report on every study and trend that comes around the bend."
Whoa. I have to disagree. It's not the media's fault people don't know what to eat or how to cook. Try pointing that finger at the industrial food complex that moved home cooks from the stove/oven to the microwave, or that label packaging in a manner that dupes their own customers with false claims of immunity or heart-health. Or blame the eater himself -- who isn't smart enough to discern the difference between a moronic raw food diet and Pollan's simple advice to eat more plants, less meat. Or to choose what writers they read more carefully. Just because it's on the web, doesn't make it true. Readers have a responsibility to figure out who to trust. If they get their food-news from an untrusted source and end up all whacked out over a nutty diet, it's their own fault. I'm surprised your post was so emotional, and disappointed you dirt-bombed the media over it, when there are many other factors at play.
deb belcore
The restaurant sounds lovely. I follow the Paleo approach to eating, and it is easy to find appropriate items almost ANYWHERE. To Anne's point - just pick the meat and veg, and dont draw attention to yourself!
Mark Preston
While I see a large number of responses, already here; I cannot resist posting the following: Sentimental Vegetarianism by P. Morton Shand
New York : Knopf, 1928 - (page 160)
The Sentimental Vegetarians are the most numerous and illogical of the different sects of dietetic vegetarians, quasi-vegetarians, frutarians, nutarians and the raw vegetable nourishment stalwarts. If the pretensions of the sentimental vegetarians are to be taken seriously, not only must humanity forgo all animal foods, including milk and eggs, from ethical motives, but true to the essentially democratic principal of "sois mon frere, ou je te tu," every single race of mankind should be constrained -- by force of arms failing peaceful persuasion, since the offence is greater in the eating than in the killing -- to abstain from meat nourishment for all eternity.
After making the world safe for vegetarianism, the next step would be the organization of armed, vegetarianized, humanity (or vegetarianized armed humanity - it does not matter which, but propagandists would declare there was a world of difference) to prevent non-carnivorous animals being devoured by carnivorous, and to put a stop to the outrage of carnivorous animals preying on each other.
mantonat
That's the dumbest thing I've ever read. The person that wrote this is actually an adult?
Steph
As someone with the lactose problem, my mother knows I'm coming to lunch and she makes her homemade macaroni and cheese, I bring the probiotics and indulge in one of the best memories of my childhood. On Easter, my mother's lamb and colchannon await, and my sister and I share our probiotics. If guests can't handle the choices and etiquette begs they be invited, they should eat a meal they can tolerate before the event and come and socialize perhaps in an adjoining venue while other paid for guests nosh, so they can be present and on time for the toasts and celebration after the main meal.
Annabel
I believe that if you have a lactose allergy you can still eat cheese, as the sugar is converted into something else in the cheese. Of course, some people are allergic to all dairy products, not just milk - a young cousin of mine is, poor lad, although he has learnt to adapt to it. You can make macaroni cheese using tomato juice or tinned tomatoes for the sauce, rather than milk - I often do, although I have no food allergies except a mild one to some seafood.
A gourmet
Dear Mother of the Bride,
How lovely for you and your daughter to embody the evangelical stance of "slow food, sustainable agriculture/local food philosophy that suits our needs perfectly." Because you believe it is a correct philosophy surely your inlaws are "wackos".
You mention that "My daughter is a third culture kid, having grown up outside the US for her teen years. Consequently, she has been exposed to a wide variety of cultures and cuisines." Don't know what a third culture kid is, but if she's been exposed to all of these cultures and cuisines then surely she's been exposed to all kinds of personalities. Including her paternal relatives (I'm sure that all of her maternal relatives are normal and certainly not wacko to any degree).
Since when is 75 people a small luncheon? If you can't afford to host 75 people then don't.
And in your post you say that most of these "wackos" eat only brown rice, grilled meats, vegetables and fruit. Um, except for the brown rice, exactly how hard is that to accommodate at this Italian restaurant that is so lovely? If you don't want to give them a forum for "proselyting" then don't. Simply change the subject. Have a list of subjects with you if necessary.
This should be a "joyous time". Yes, it should be. For everyone--you, your daughter, your husband AND your in-laws.
Stephanie Struble
Miss Manners would be proud of you. Everybody involved in this wedding needs to remember that people are more important than food.
Peter Pienkowski
Almost everyone in my family has a number of food allergies and my father is an allergist, which may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but whatever. To the point of etiquette...to my knowledge, we have never even mentioned allergies or restrictions before going to a dinner party, though close friends do know and probably take some pains to avoid certain ingredients. We may ask if that bit of fried deliciousness is cornmeal'd or flour'd and you may feel bad if we can't eat it. And, yes, we annoyingly ask our server at restaurants if it's possible to leave certain ingredients out of a meal, which they are typically happy to do if at all possible. But, with friends, we typically just go to their house and figure out what we can eat. If there is not enough, we stay hungry. It's not a big deal - this is not the Sahara, I'll eat again in a matter of hours at the most. Having grown up with a number of food and environmental allergies, I've typically tried to make do with what I have or I'm presented with, because I always felt a little weird that I can't eat this or that. Sometimes it's just too delicious, and I'll eat what I'm allergic to as an indulgence, knowing full and well that my lips may swell a little or be chapped or that I may face a, um, "free-er" stool than normal the next morning.
That said, I don't think the recent self-centered stuff is the province of allergy sufferers. Allergies have been around for a while and historically, I think people have been more aware of pet allergies. And to compare, I have never, ever seen a person ask someone else to ditch Fido or Kitty if they have a pet allergy and they're coming over for dinner. If their allergy is severe, they typically regretfully decline the invitation. If it's not, they pop an antihistamine beforehand or just deal with it. I can't possibly imagine the deluded, self-centered attitude that leads to scenes like this, but they are becoming increasingly common. Maybe it's reality TV or years of guidance counselors telling kids that they're so special, but I blame Elizabeth Hasselbeck. When you start telling people that avoiding gluten/whatever is good for weight loss, you're just opening a can of OCD on the situation. The type of people who go after every fad diet but never have the discipline to just eat fewer calories are the same type of people who are looking to unload responsibility for their problems on others. But, please, feel sorry for them, they are by and large a miserably depressed lot.
As a side note on the picky eaters, my allergist-dad says that, in his experience, patients are often allergic to foods they crave. I'm allergic to wheat and love bread - fortunately, there's spelt - which I don't have a reaction to and which also works well as a no-knead loaf. My allergies has motivated me to learn food and learn to cook for myself. You'd be surprised to know the number of "gluten-intolerant" folks don't know their head from their feet. They'll eat any amount of crappy bleu cheese crumbled or dressed on a salad that they also demand is prepared half a mile away from anything resembling a crouton. Or will happily eat mushrooms grown on a wheat or rye grain substrate. If their allergies are really so severe that they have made their lives miserable, I tend to think they would have bothered to learn about those sort of things before they bother us. Sometimes, I just want to call their bluff, but, again, I'm trying to feel sorry for these people.
Leslie
The question is: who decides what is a real concern vs. a diet du jour? My son who is in college has always been anaphylactic to milk, egg, nuts and peanuts. He outgrew soy and a few other food allergies. He continues as part of a research study to find out the cause of his life-long allergies. A friend of ours has developed severe allergies to peanuts, sesame and shrimp, foods she's eaten with gusto her entire life. All I can say is have some empathy. My son would like nothing more than to eat a cream puff or a dish of ice cream. My friend would like to eat her carefree way once again.
T in WA
I have a daughter with a life threatening allergy to Peanuts ... I would never in my life ask some to curtail their event menu to accommodate us ... we just go and ask if anything has peanuts or uses peanut oil and if it does, we don't eat (i have no allergy but won't eat as to support my daughter) most times there is something she can eat and then after the event, we just go out to dinner. It is stressful enough trying to plan multi-family events without having to try to accommodate every like/dislike/allergy ... I say plan your menu, invite the family and if they don't like, they can leave or lump it. Seriously, could we make trying to have a wedding anymore stressful?!?
kim mancha
oh boo-hoo. good manners dictate that if you're invited to a meal paid for by someone else, you either go, smile like it's wonderful no matter what you think and keep your piehole shut. if you can't see your way clear to do so, politely decline. no matter what your relationship to the host.
Michelle
First: I know there are people with REAL food allergies and REAL celiac out there.
I do a lot of volunteer work with low income/at risk communities. I've worked with children that don't have food in their homes. One thing I noticed in my work is that I have NEVER encountered "allergies", or people following fad diets(and paleo is a fad and not a scientifically sound fad at that) in these groups. I get so angry when people refuse food and say things like "I can't eat meat" or "I can't eat gluten". NO, you CAN, you CHOOSE not to. The kids I worked with have no choice. No food=not eating.
Heather, you have every right to CHOOSE to not invite these people. Beyond the waste of money, it is a waste of food. You shouldn't have to accommodate weird entitlements. And, from my perspective, entitled eaters never stop talking about their issues and RUIN events for the rest of the guests. Are you going to isolate them at one table all by themselves? Who wants to sit with someone picking at their plate? Not me.
Christine
I echo some of the other comments--I don't understand how hard it can be to accommodate (within reason) any array of dietary needs. Maybe it's considered gauche, but many weddings I have attended have either had buffets so people can pick and choose what they'll eat or a set menu to choose from that included some variation of meat, chicken, fish and vegetarian, with a card enclosed in the invitation for people to express their chosen meal. You could enclose the proposed menu with an option "I prefer a simple meal of grilled fish/chicken/whatever and vegetables." or something. I don't know. I know the kind of over zealousness you're talking about, but if peoples' food choices are the only problem, I think you're lucky!!!
Chris Armstrong
Thanks for the great post Michael.
As someone who follows a gluten-free diet because of celiac disease and a grain-free diet because it's working wonders for me, hearing this story pisses me off too. Before you get up in arms about my comment, it pisses me off for the same reasons that it does you 🙂 I would never ask that someone cater their event based on my dietary limitations or whims. You should cater your event to your own tastes and to no one else's. If the bride or groom had followed a special diet, then they should make the menu follow that diet.
My philosophy is and always will be this: if you have special food requirements, it's up to YOU and only you to make sure you're doing what you need to do follow those requirements. You should never expect others to cater to you. The only exception to this rule is when you have a restaurant who says they cater to a certain group and then gets annoyed by customers asking questions. But that's an entirely different subject.
Erin
I don't disagree with the notion that all the special diets out there these days can be annoying and inconvenient. I work in the events industry, and trying to create food stations that provide something for everyone is a real challenge, given the growing number of gluten-free vegans with allergies to nuts, fruit and legumes. Not easy.
That said, I think this Mother of the Bride is just trying to pick a fight. There is no way that this lovely Italian restaurant won't be providing some items that fit gluten free or Paleo diets just fine. They will be serving meat and vegetables, yes? If she tries to tell her in-laws that they essentially are not welcome at a family wedding feast because of their food preferences, she's gunning for a major family rift that will last long after the wedding day is over. Calm down. Everyone will find something to eat. It's the guest's responsibility to choose what they like to eat from the options provided. It's the host's responsibility to be accommodating within reason, gracious and welcoming. Don't do anything that would cause tension and bad feelings on your daughter's important day.
Andy
I hate it when people have fake food allergies. Makes people who have genuine ones seem like they're crying wolf.
Jen
I guess I'm not understanding what the big deal is. I know plenty of people who restrict certain foods for a variety of reasons. Can't she just order food for 50 and then add some simple sides such as salad with the dressing on the side and nice bread? Problem solved.
Lucy
DJK said it best above: Family is a pain in the ass. Inhale. Invite them without qualification. Deal. Exhale when they leave.
I think you are trying to control things that are far outside your control. Here is what is under your power to control on this special day:
1. Whom you invite.
2. The menu.
You cannot control who will eat any or all of the food so the argument that you don't want to pay for food they won't eat is ridiculous. That's just part of having a wedding. There are probably picky, allergic, non-hungry eaters among the rest of your guests that you have no idea about.
And you certainly cannot control the topic of conversation. If these people want to talk about the food or how it's prepared, then that's on them. If Great Aunt Maude gets drunk and talks about days gone by when she danced on the table or young people just didn't act the way they do now...then guess what, you can't control that.
The day will be what it is. They will not ruin it unless you or someone else causes a scene by calling them out for their rudeness. Just generally ignore them and don't engage and who cares? Don't seat your daughter near any of the ones you anticipate will be rude. She will be otherwise occupied anyway.
The bigger deal you make of this, the bigger deal it will be. If they are your husband's siblings then you are stuck with them. In answer to your question of "is there a polite way to say you want to include them but not their diet," the short answer is NO. I would send the invitations with no acknowledgement whatsoever of anyone's eating habits. If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't.
Karen
I agree with your approach. Add a polite disclaimer to the invite stating that if there is any guest who cannot partake in the food that IS being served, please advise... As the others have said, if it's an illness or disease, you can always try to acommodate. I've entertained relatives with diabetes and celiac disease. A few sugar-free or gluten-free plates can be easily managed. More often than not, if these food fascists are allowed, they'll wind up dictating the menu. I've even had one come to my home and ask if I had any organic wine (I do occasionally buy a bottle.) If a person insists on sticking with such a restricted and regimented diet, fine, just smile and be polite when you are at an event, leave the food alone.
Francheska
It's a wedding invitation, The guests shouldn't get a say at all, eat at home before going out don't be such a pain in the ass geez
Nadine Nelson
As a person who does food events, I understand about accommodating people's meals. Weddings are the worst all the way around with drama coming from every front sometimes with people not understanding that planning a big party is very stressful. It is about the bride and groom. I grew up Seventh Day Adventist and am so happy my mom was not so I could come home and eat pork, fish, and all the other things not "allowed" in the diet. Because of this, I respect peoples diets when people ask me to customize a menu, I do it. On my menus I try and have a mix of everything to appeal to all diets. Now though people are taking their eating to the extreme and I don't think they should EXPECT everyone to adhere to their needs. It is a pain for person planning the wedding, chef, bride, groom etc. If you have a highly specialized diet, I think you eat beforehand and not be unhappy you chose a diet most people can not easily maintain. I believe like religion, it is better to be a living example of what you espouse as opposed to standing on a soap box looking for converters. A wedding is about the bride and groom. They should be accommodated on their special day. That is the most unselfish thing to do. Italian cuisine offers so many dishes that appeal to many diets. If they want to be mad, I wouldn't engage such stupidity. We all make choices in life and deal with the consequences accordingly. They should be graceful in this situation, not you.
The gold digger
Oh the lactose fakers! My mom and sister cannot have the tiniest bit of cheese or they get very uncomfortable and make everyone else very uncomfortable, if you know what I mean. But they don't make a big deal about it. My mom brings her own soy milk with her when she visits and that's it.
My husband's parents claim to be lactose intolerant. When they came here for our wedding, I asked if they could just drink some of the soy milk I was getting for my mom and sister. Nope. Had to be Lactaid. Which is expensive.
They drank about one cup of it over nine days.
Then they didn't eat lunch. Because they don't eat lunch.
At 4:00 p.m, they had a snack. Asked for cheese. Our expensive cheese. That I hadn't thought to hide in the basement where they wouldn't have been able to get it because they can't take stairs. (Which is why they were sleeping in our bed.)
1. They didn't eat lunch.
2. They wouldn't drink milk. Or soy milk.
3. They filled up on expensive cheese at 4 p.m.
4. And then they weren't hungry for supper.
5. Oh yes. They got drunk every night.
http://diaryofagolddigger.blogspot.com/2010/01/in-which-lactose-intolerant-sly-and.html
Jean Marie
Boy, you really struck a nerve with this one! There are so many people I want to send it to. One of my sons is genuinely lactose intolerant but doesn't make a big deal out of it. He drinks soy milk and avoids cheese. On the other hand, half of my group of girlfriends who used to be adventurous eaters and so fun to go out with could now fairly be called food fascists. One is going vegan, another avoiding meat, a third must eat a particular vegetable that night and don't get me started on the trendy gluten-free thing. We both know someone with celiac disease and it's real and it's serious. The husband of one friend was recently quite ill so I volunteered to bring a family meal to help lighten her load. She has always avoided dairy but this time I was instructed that she is also avoiding gluten and meat. And no desserts please. While I admire her effort to eat healthy, this is a women who I have seen happily munching on a baguette or working her way through a bowl of pasta. And sharing dessert. It's all BS and, barring genuine medical restrictions, unfair to people who want to entertain or please with good food and company.
Trish
We have a few people in our office that adhere to special diets, mostly refusing to eat carbs because of the fear of chunky thighs and double chins. It has nothing to do with any real medical condition. And that's fine, I respect their choice. But they all get up in arms every year when it's time for our annual holiday party. The requests for special dishes start rolling in without fail. Our boss issues the same response every year, telling them the menu is fixed but diverse. If they still feel they cannot find suitable food on the menu they can feel free to bring their own meal to enjoy at the party. The fact is, one meal with more carbs than they normally eat is not going to kill these people. I'd be much more understanding if they had legitimate food allergies that need to be addressed. So I think the mom here should plan the meal as she sees fit, invite the guests and normal and issue a strong response to anyone who begs for special meals.
matina
People who talk about their diets are BORING!!!
Firbette
Just a couple of observations. First, it seems that she has already had extensive experience with these relatives at other events, enough to predict what they will bring to the party. Just because they are in-laws, it doesn't mean she's wrong. There is a difference between saying "I'm sorry I can't eat that" and "I don't eat that, and neither should anyone else", and I can see that could add to the stress of the event.
Second, as has already been mentioned, but it's worth repeating, the people who avoid food by choice seem to be the loudest and most annoying, and make it really hard for those who have actual medical issues. My daughter was recently diagnosed with celiac disease, and she is unusually sensitive. A small exposure leaves her in severe pain for a week. So yes, we tend to "grill" servers and hosts, not to be difficult, but to make sure what is safe for her to eat. But we try not to be obnoxious or overbearing about it. There are places we simply can't eat anymore. So we don't. Thankfully our friends are very understanding, and make sure there is something for her. We often bring her own food, and she is just starting not to feel weird about it. But there have been occasions she has been poisoned in restaurants where they have decided that gluten intolerance is fake, and given her "real" pasta instead of the gluten-free listed on the menu or a flour-thickened sauce they assured us was fine.
All of which is to say that her *husband* should talk to his family and explain the situation to them. If they can come and take part without spoiling it for the bridal party, then come. Otherwise, show up after the food for the party.
Justine Raphael
Have compassion. Some of us have true sensitivites that require careful negotiations in any restaurant (you wouldn't believe what hidden ingredients there are and what they can do to some of us). Maybe that shouldn't be the responsibility of the bridal party, but it also shouldn't be grounds for excluding FAMILY from a family event! Let us handle the negotiations, but don't call us fascists for needing to do so. That kind of name-calling sounds pretty intolerant to me, even PICKY. Who are you to decide what is healthy for someone else? I will come to the wedding and eat some meat and veggies happily--why is that not alright with you? You have to see everyone become a glutton over a plate of pasta to have true marital bliss? Really, I can't understand why what I eat is a problem for someone else, if I can arrange to meet my needs without too much fuss (ascertaining that something won't make me have a migraine or become sick in various other ways--that involves asking a few questions and then making a decision about which dish will work). You can make this easier by ensuring that there is a dish of grilled meat and simple veggies if you want to, but all I really ask is that you don't call me names for trying to take care of my health. Wow. Judgement is jumping off of my computer screen....
Bea
Our 20 yr old granddaughter is a vegan. When we take her out to eat she rejects the idea of choosing a restaurant just for her, says "Thats ok, I can always find something on any menu!"
Special diet people are not always picky and inconsiderate. Some will even eat a bit or more than a bit of foods that upset them, Also I have never known a "special diet" person to fuss at a dinner they've been invited to!
I would say: Have one dish that covers all bases no matter how nasty it is. Just to be nice.
Kimberly
As someone with a wheat allergy (an actual, throat-swelling allergy), i'm both offended and sympathetic at the same time. While i recognize that it can be hard to understand what you don't personally experience, some people make the choice to eliminate certain items from their diet because it makes a noticible difference in how they feel, or alleviates symptoms of another condition. I don't ask people to not go somewhere because (for the most part) i can find something on any menu, and i'm sure your in-laws aren't asking you to do so. It isn't unreasonable or of great inconvenience to make sure there are dishes that everyone can partake in, not everything on the menu needs to accomodate and i'm sure they will understand that. And last i checked, italians eat a lot more than just pasta, and have a plethora of amazing dishes and antipasto options that can be enjoyable for everyone.
I'm also pretty sure her daugher isn't going to look back on her wedding and think "if only my aunts/uncles hadn't ruined it with their special diets". A little perspective please.
karen downie makley
make them a plate of durian fruit and be done with it
Carly
People planning weddings AND people with vague 'food sensitivities' coming together... Yikes. I can't think of much worse.
I think the food allergies/sensitivities thing can be really obnoxious, but honestly, people planning weddings are given to getting really worked up about things that they've mostly just *assumed* will be a problem.
I went to one wedding in Italy, and one of many nice things about it was that food was offered throughout the entire event, a huge variety of meats and antipasti laid out at different times, and entrees carried around family style once we sat down, casually offered to anyone interested in that dish. I think that sort of arrangement - a buffet or family style arrangement with uncomplicated dishes - is a nice one to consider for big groups. Everyone's taking only what they want, with no mention necessary of why they're making the selections they're making.
Carla
We had the exact same situation... We bagged the wedding, eloped and spent the money on a down payment for a house. Best decision ever..... The $5.00 bucks it cost for the Judge to marry us turned out to be a real bargain...we've been married 40 years....and still don't miss that wedding!!
Leigh
I'm among the "annoying" in that I choose to avoid foods that aren't nutritious or that make me feel tired or bloated or trigger food cravings. Entitled? Maybe. But why should my food choices draw the wrath of others? Because you can't stop eating ding-dongs and are bummed that you gain 5 pounds a year? Save the shit storm of judgment about my personal choices.
If I don't want to eat whatever, it's my responsibility to feed myself before I go somewhere if the food being served doesn't work for me. And if it's a pre-set dinner if I can't go and eat part of the meal or go and not eat, I'll politely pass.
This mother in-law seems like she's making a mountain of a mole hill. If a plate or two (or ten) isn't polished off, fine. Suck it up. It's family. Family is a pain in the ass. Stop passing judgment and get off your high horse.
Will J
She already has the right reply, but she needs to edit it a bit:
[W]e would be happy to see... [you]...AFTER lunch for toasts and speeches
Nothing else. This is an invitation to a celebration and not a negotiation.
Similarly, if one is unable to participate, one can simply say that they send their best wishes but regret that they would be unable to attend.
bob del Grosso
The abundance of self-centered whiny "it's feed me my-way or the the highway" eaters makes me wonder of there is not a national movement of food fascists afoot and, if there is, why they haven't organized a political wing. I'd love to see that. We don't really have a credible National Socialist party here in the US. And one organized around the seemingly libertarian idea of freedom of choice would be just loony enough to fit right in to the American political dialectic.
Rodman
This is how rich people plan parties.
Andrew
Although I agree that there appear to be certain diseases, allergies, or ailments affecting the populace, and thats all fine and dandy like cotton candy. It always seems to me that these often privileged people with level 5 Vegan ovo pesci no gluten/lactose wont drink anything they cant see through type of people have never actually had to starve or eat something just to survive. These are the same people who order Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended. This is what turns me into a fascist. I am a poor person, on a cooks wages, with lactose intolerance and a bloody ulcer; this does not stop me from eating spicy pad thai, or still cooking and eating with heavy cream. I often forage/hunt/fish for my own meals out of enjoyment, and sometimes out of need. It is people like those described above that cause to want something catastrophic to happen to our food change to watch these self righteous preachy "foodies" begin to wither and die -all well I happily munch away on burdock root and ramps. Perhaps it is that I have only had one coffee this morning, in a french press, freshly ground, not because I am snob but because that is simply the best way to do it. Perhaps it is because in a few hours I will have to make food for these head in the clouds clouts. Perhaps it is because my stove is dead, as well as my fridge, and I am too damned poor to buy new ones. Perhaps it is because I will not be looking forward to an awesome meal this evening. Finally, perhaps I am sick of this shit too!
darren
When someone starts spouting pseudo-scientific (or faux-scientific) things like leaky gut or the need to "detoxify" I immediately count them as a reliable source for bull$h!t. This has been with us for forever. It springs out of the belief that all you need to be healthy is a really good $h!t, so drink laxatives, sulfurous mineral waters, etc. It's the John Harvey Kellogg school of treating every ache and pain with an enema. And unscrupulous "health professionals" are more than happy to part the fool from his/her money.
I work with people that swear they are effected by MSG. So whenever we have a pitch in I load up what I bring with Accent. And guess what? Nothing happens. But the minute they eat something that upsets their stomach and they just KNOW that there's MSG in their meal. I even work with a girl that claims to be allergic to malt . . . but can eat things with malt in it if it is listed low on the ingredient list. So over the course of 10 years I've brought in lots of homemade baked things with increasing levels of malt in them. And, SURPRISE!, no reaction even when malt is fully half of the sweetner.
No one can deny that there are legitimate food allergies, but self-diagnosing them is garbage.
Andy
I think a good follow up to this article would be her husbands thoughts on his in-laws.
Brooke
I have a medical condition, PCOS, that is strongly correlated with gluten intolerance/celiac. Did I get the genetic test? No. But I do know that when I have gluten I feel very, very sick. Before, when I didn't know I had an intolerance, I did eat a lot of bread and desserts. But I felt tired and cold all of the time. Since I've gone off gluten, even trace amounts makes me ill.
I will generally ask a host if there is something I can bring if food is being served at a home. If not, I will ask what is on the menu so I can know whether to bring my own food. I will not put my health on the line, but I will also take care of myself and try not to be a nuisance.
It is completely unfair to make blanket judgments about food choices. And it is absurd to exclude family from a wedding celebration because they might not clean their plates. I would not eat pasta put in front of me, but I would celebrate with you for your daughter's wedding. How have we wandered so far that the host is now the focus of a party instead of the guests?
Deptford Pudding
When I was a nipper there were very few allergies. My sister had hay fever once a year. In my school of 600 boys one pupil had asthma, and we were instructed to look out for him. No one was a vegetarian of course. I'm sure there may be benefits to following a particular dietary regime, it provides a discipline and can help with weight-loss. But it should never be imposed on others, or even mentioned with the possible exception of vegetarianism. Sometimes I think some people can be just plain rude.
Keith
75 people is a 'small luncheon?' 🙂
Carolyn Z
If you can afford it!!
Paul Kobulnicky
Invite them and then ignore their food issues. They will not starve. If they start in any way to make an issue, walk away to pay more attention to the bride and groom. In all respects, and as we advise the trout, don't rise to that fly.
Gerry Jobe
As a father of 2 boys, one with a critical allergy to peanuts and eggs, I couldn't agree more with this post. It's time for the line to be drawn between "Preference" and Legit Allergies. I recently had a guest state that he was deathly allergic to onions. After placing his order and addressing the kitchen about his needs, I related to him that unfortunately he would have to switch his choice because of onion in most of our stocks. He replied "Well, it'll be okay, it's really more of a preference" or the guy who claimed to have a severe nut allergy who repeatedly kissed his wife on the lips while she was eating Hazelnut Ice Cream. I warned him, but he said "Oh, it's not that big of a deal" Fakers! Be straight up! And if you do have an allergy, let us know!! Several times I have delivered a plate to a table only to have them say "There's no garlic in this is there? I'm extremely allergic" or the like. OWN YOUR ALLERGY, take responsibility for it, inform those serving you about it, and if it's just a preference, don't dress it up to be life/death. Great read! Cheers!
Vicki
I have a problem with caffeine in coffee, soft drinks and chocolate, sulfites in wine, msg in processed foods and nitrates in lunch meat etc. They cause severe migraines but only if I eat them in quantities. I've learned that I can occasionally eat a small chocolate cookie or drink maybe a quarter glass of wine with no problem. It's when I drink a whole beer or eat a chocolate bar or a cup of coffee that I get the migraine. So when I'm eating in public I pick and choose what and how much I eat and try not to make the people around me miserable.
I think it's just a matter of being considerate.
dave_c
I wholeheartedly agree that people are too crazy with their fad diets and claims of allergies.
However, in this case, I think the Bride's mom is being overly dramatic. People are there to celebrate the marriage. I don't see how someone not eating will ruin the bride's day.
Also, the husband wants his sibling at the event. I think family trumps menu changes. Most likely it's the husband who is paying for the wedding. What's a few hundred dollars amongst family?
The mom should be a facilitator not a bouncer, nor should she be someone who makes sure all the guest finish their peas and carrots.
Stephen P
As a former banquet chef these kind of things drove me crazy. We'd get 15 different special dietary requests for a wedding of 100, then once dinner was served we'd get 15 new and different actual requests and the painstakingly notated preparation and timing instructions would all fly out the window. All of this expensive for the bride and groom (since we would quite reasonably charge for each additional meal beyond those originally ordered), confusing to the staff and especially for a wedding, impossible to execute while keeping a tight time schedule intact. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to arrange for a special meal type or two - one selection with no meat or vegan and another with no gluten or something like that. Put that in your invitation with a little check box for regular meal/ vegan/ gluten free and beyond that anyone who can't eat the meal should skip it. The occasion is to honor and celebrate a wedding and the bride and groom, not a self indulgent exercise in demonstration how picky you can be about your food preferences.
Tucker Keene
I'm a vegan, have been for four years. But I don't force people to accommodate me, I eat vegetarian if I have to. I just have to bring along my lactase pills so I don't bloat up like a gaseous pufferfish. I also am teaching myself to cook meat though, because I want to be able to cook for friends and vegans actually really get on my nerves, for precisely the reasons you lay out here. I cooked one heck of a Thanksgiving Turkey, and did some fried chicken for Super Bowl Sunday, which apparently were for several guests, "The best they ever had."
I must say though, accommodating vegans is easier then it seems. Any vegetable soup made with veggie stock and no cream, served with good toast and some olive oil is a totally doable entree for a vegan.
Tess
I posted this in facebook comments, but figured I would post it here too because I really want to get some feedback...
Michael's writing and this discussion has been eye opening. I have been down the "food fascist" rabbit hole for a few years now, and apparently have gotten out of touch with how people like me are viewed. While reading these comments, I found myself agreeing with the majority of what Marilyn was saying, while others were saying that she was offensive and preaching. I also noticed comments like “foisting your diet on others, and especially in a superior tone” and “turn the event into being about them and their food” in reference to people on special diets.
I’m trying to look at this one issue (of people talking/preaching to others about their diets) from both perspectives. Speaking from my point of view, I have talked to hundreds, if not thousands, of people that have had their lives changed from adopting non-conventional diets. I was one of them.
Going gluten free was a miracle for me (and no I was not officially diagnosed with celiac). The morning I woke up and no longer had the constant headache and stomach ache that had plagued me for 20 something years, and had the energy of a kid again, I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. I wanted to tell everyone that had health issues about my transformation, and I started trying, but nobody wanted to listen. They got annoyed with me, and now reading some of your comments I think that my passion for helping other people gain back their health may have come off as preaching or speaking in a superior tone. I don’t want to come off like this.
Some of the people in my life did eventually listen, and going gluten free/paleo has been a positive change for all of them. I have also learned a lot of the science that backs up what I say. So, please tell me how I can help people while not being offensive or ruining dinner parties. Is there an appropriate time to discuss diet and health? How can I bring up the subject without just getting on people’s nerves?
Jim
Yeah, they sound like annoying, self-centered idiots but they're your in-laws. What did you expect?
If you can afford the "small" luncheon for 75 I hardly think 10 or 12 people not eating their dinner and wasting it is going to matter to you. Nor do I think having relatively common dishes at an Italian restaurant served just for them would be so expensive you can't handle it. I mean, we are talking your husbands siblings here as in your daughter's aunt and uncles and not some third cousins or something.
Sure the whole gluten sensitivity thing has become a joke which is too bad for the one percent or so of the population who have a legit issue. However as others have pointed out that is hardly the dumbest or most annoying thing in-laws can do.
Of course, if they were not your immediate in-laws then; STFU, you're boring and nobody cares, would be an appropriate response.
Jessica
I'm sensitive to lactose (I question if you can actually be allergic to lactose. You can have very serious illnesses that makes you unable to process the sugars found in milk, and milk protein allergies can be absolutely lethal.) My own sensitivity came on by the time I was 15, and it's due, mostly, because a parent comes from southern Europe. Lactose intolerance is normal. It's been disputed, actually, if lactose intolerance shouldn't be scrapped as a diagnosis. Most adults in the world ARE naturally lactose intolerant (a majority of people in Asia for one). Asian diets as a whole rarely contains an abundance of dairy products. When it does it's in small amounts.
The latest I heard on scrapping the diagnosis was the sensible argument that if you keep it as an actual diagnosis; you'd make a big part of the world ill. It's not difficult to adapt your life to a lower dairy consumtion. Plus read up on facts, which would prevent you from writing idiotic things. Most people, including myself, can tolerate some lactose. How much is variable but if you are fully intolerant then you really do need to make life-style changes. The fatter the dairy product (if you take full cream and dilute it until it has the fat percentge of regular full-fat milk, it will have less lactose than the regular milk. hard cheese doesn't contain any. As for the difficulties of dining. Just shut the f*** up and get on with it. And head for asian foods or other cooking cultures with very little reliance of dairy.
This is a non-issue. Which you really can't tell from this reply ;). I just find the whole thing very annoying. No, you are not sick, or even allergic to lactose. You can be dead on allergic to proteins etc. Myself head for the epipen if I happen to eat any morsel of a botanical nut.
Full allergen free cooking is impossible at a restaurant or even at someone's home kitchen that isn't familiar with the constraints. When I have dinner at someones house everyone seems concerned I'll drop on dead. I usually bring a bento with me, keeps everyone calmer.
Jamie
While I don't disagree with the idea that the mother of the bride is under no obligation to provide a meal that fits everyone's specialized diet, I fail to understand the level of contempt and animosity directed here toward people with certain food concerns. Look, I am a foodie through and through - my mother was on the farm-based, slow-food movement decades before it became en vogue - I delight in the pleasure of all food. That said, I am also into fitness - and it is clear to me, despite the fact that I personally will eat everything, it is fundamentally true that gluten is not good for us. It is fundamentally true that people have very real negative reactions to lactose or gluten. Not everyone is going to be as passionate about food as us food snobs, and so the impetus to eat "everything" consequences be damned is not going to be as strong. Who cares? Why do they have to be crucified for it? Why, especially if it is a *health* issue, must it be made into an issue where they're simply being ridiculously fussy? There is a huge difference between someone who is doing something genuinely healthy like Paleo and someone who is just avoiding all "fat" because they'e fat-phobic. Lighten up, people.
Jessica
There are de facto allergies, as in an immunological reaction. In some people, mostly to particular foods, it can be deadly (milk, ground nuts (such as peanuts), botanical nuts, gluten. I can imagine kosher and muslim diet restrictions, too. Gluten intolerance is not to mess with either. As to offering food to everyone's particular satisfaction as in diet fads etc, it's really not possible. I have spoken to restaurants etc., beforehand and most often they are quite sympathetic and try to be as accomodating as possible. If one's particular dietary preference can't be accomodated, and I mean preference rather than a dietary restriction due to illness and/or allergy, then maybe you need to re-think what you actually can expect.
When I've brought my own meal, serving staff or the hosts have been helpful in offering me a separate plate and possibility to heat the food separately.
Jessica
It drives me absolutely nuts when people, who don't like some particular food, says they're allergic. Makes it all the more difficult for people who are actually allergic and can, potentially die from their allergy. At one point I've been involved in a situation where a person didn't believe her friend to have a very severe milk proteine allergy and was about to serve her milk. Someone fortunately stopped her. This friend is so allergic that even a drop of milk on the skin will turn into an ugly rash at the site.
Ina gawne
As a Celiac - I would definitely bring my own food! For me not to, would be a very dangerous position to put myself in. I do not believe it is up to the host to "look" after everyone's food issues. It is only mine! Recently, we attended a small wedding celebration - 50 people. It was "pot luck". Also, I did much of the cooking and was careful to place all of my platters of food away from any food containing gluten. It was fabulous! There were Celiacs, Vegetarians, Vegans, and people with dairy allergies - everyone was happy! People need to start taking responsibility for their own dietary concerns!
Beth
I'm just worn out from people complaining about "fake" food allergies. My son was diagnosed with servere food allergies at 5 months. Luckily, he was reacting to egg protein in my diet before ever starting solid food. He's since been tested and diagnosed with allergies (some severe) to six foods. I'm not sure how many people are faking it, but I have no idea why they would. How can anyone be that desperate for attention? Managing one's own food allergies is difficult; managing those of an 18 month old is frightening.
People who fake it (and those who require designer diets because of their own imagined needs) make life more difficult for those of us dealing with legitimate, and sometimes life threatening, issues. It's simply common courtesy to accommodate wedding guests with legitimate issues and incredibly rude to request an accommodation you don't need.
pidge
I myself have special dietary needs. I am lactose intolerant, I have diverticulosis(which turns into diverticulitis and shoots me into the hospital once a year) and I have many many endless food triggers for migraine headaches. If I am invited to an event, I eat well before-hand at home, and then don't bother to comment on or special order food at the event. Because let's face it - these are my problems, not theirs, and I wouldn't dream of saddling anyone with my diet. You're there for the company, not for the food.
Max
I sympathize. Most people with allergies or special diets prefer that no arrangements be made on their behalf. They're used to eating the way they do, and know how to work around problematic meals. However, even when this is the case, you can't stop a well meaning relative from obsessing on their behalf or it somehow causing an issue, even if that means it's simply a topic of conversation on your daughter's day.
Unfortunately, by not inviting certain family members you're likely to stir up even more drama. My advice is to make a half-hearted effort effort to include a dish or side (e.g. plain salad and grilled meat) they can eat / nibble at, and otherwise ignore the issue. If it's brought up in the future, explain there were too many allergies / diets to please everyone. Also, the restaurant you're going to may already know how to address issues like these.
Laura
I think this post and the mean comments are unfair to folks trying to navigate their way out of ill health. Paleo diets, gluten free, casein free etc. are all attempts to stop eating industrial, processed, GMO foods in order to regain health. Some folks digestive systems are more broken than others. Fact is our food supply is in very shoddy condition and it's starting to make a lot of people sick. Many of these people are just canaries in the coal mine. It could be construed as more fascist for wanting to exclude those who are different. Please practice tolerance and compassion at this special event.
david
intelligence has nothing to do with acceptance of fascism, plenty of Nazis were intelligent. BTW whoever is paying for the event decides what will be served, not the guests, who can choose not to come.
Natalie Luffer Sztern
CRAP!! on bedrest with a bad back but flying on Empracet I could make this response an entire word count of 500+. The first thing to say to future MIL and current Mom is you have no idea the shit storm you will be living through now that Michael has printed this. In fact no idea and I know because I once mentioned a wrong thing on Facebook and had to crawl on bended knee for forgiveness. Clearly the food I don't really think is the issue here. I don't know how old your kids are but at a certain age they usually chip in and now here in Montreal families pay for their guests plates which include open bar. No one family has to suffer the financial burdens- only those of their own guests. My thoughts are you won't have to worry too much about the amount of plates you will be buying for your guests.
However it is a known fact that no matter how much a host/ess tries to satisfy everyone that is an impossibility so have two choices: vegetable & chicken and you will be safe.
What is a third culture kid?
And by the way; I think you have already ruined your daughter's day;
Kevin
It's always fun to take the high-and-mighty down a peg, but where I draw the line is when it crosses over into rude behavior on the part of a host. It's a host's duty to provide accommodations for each guest invited; whether each guest will enjoy those accommodations to the fullest extent possible is up to the individual guest, not the host. It is not her place to impose a stipulation that each guest must either consume every calorie of whatever food is provided (what's she going to do: watch them eat every bite?) or refrain from attending. If cost is an issue, trim the invite list. If she is worried about waste she can either order less food or donate any remainder to a soup kitchen (or maybe the hard-working restaurant staff?).
In this situation it seems that the host is the fascist, not the guests.
Natalie Luffer Sztern
once more so forgive for multiples cause the computer is not going through,,,,,Michael I thought you were going to give me a head's up when you get to print such a letter :))....Hey what about a Dear Michael column and I could ghost write it - OOPS!!! (no.no)
Jerrell Hadef
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caitlinvb
It's all about the bride.
That said, I moved from the Bay area to NC. Both agricultural meccas when it comes to fresh local food. Both full of culinary quagmires... but in the end I do believe it's us that make the problem by publicizing all the trends and fads and empowering the trend away from the eating habits we evolved into.
And in this instance I do believe it's even more than that - we've also empowered bad behavior and bad habits. Let's teach our kids to eat healthy, and act healthy. Not to use someone else's blog as a soapbox or anything... 🙂
stevenelo
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Trishaluna
I completely agree with Michael that things have gotten out of hand. We have an Aunt who has lived all over the world and hosts many many folks from all over at her home near a major university - visiting professors, dignitaries etc. She has been doing this for 40 years. She loves to entertain. Recently, it has become such a burden for her to host people in her home. She almost collapsed after trying to accommodate several folks at her home (3 meals a day for 3 days) who had every request under the sun. She didn't know what to cook/serve. There are true, severe, life threatening allergies and I sympathize with those folks. Also, people keep inquiring about third culture kids - the definition is "to refer to the children who accompany their parents into another society" In simple terms, your an American child who then spends part of your youth/learning/maturing years in a foreign culture. You now have two cultures, your American one and your new culture. After you return home to America you find that you don't quite fit in. You're American but you have aspects that the other culture or cultures that you've lived in that shape who you are - you are coined a Third Culture Kid.
neil
Does no one else see the irony/hypocrisy of writing about finding a restaurant with the " slow food, sustainable agriculture/local food philosophy that suits our needs perfectly" and then complaining about food snobbery on the part of others?
Laura
Yes it's pretty hilarious, given the incredibly angry responses about the so called "difficult guests" 🙂
Jeanne
I am intolerant or allergic to many foods. It's beyond ridiculous. When I'm invited to this type of a thing, I generally say something like, "here's what I can't eat, is it possible to accommodate that? If not, would you mind if I just came and had a glass of wine to share in the experience?" I honestly don't mind doing this. I realize that my limitations are beyond the pale. But I want to be included. And I am more than happy to eat my meal beforehand and then have a glass of wine (or tea) and hang out with everyone.
All of that said, I think that the Italian trattoria is an odd choice for a host faced with this situation. It is far from a good choice for folks who can't eat gluten or carbs, unless you center the meal around cuts of meat. I will say that I get tired of people denigrating special food needs as "unnecessary" because it gets in the way of their first choice desires. The point of this lunch is to celebrate the wedding with close family and friends. Celebration. The point of the lunch is not to have the exact meal the hostess seems to want to give her guests. We have lost sight of the reason behind these celebrations--it's to gather with family and friends. If the hostess's choice eliminates a good portion of the people who fall into the "close family and friends" category, then she's made a bad choice and has lost sight of the reason everyone is gathering.
Barack H. Obama
I prefer a tasty dog.
LS
C.S. Lewis considered "food fastidiousness" a form of gluttony. I can't say I disagree with him.
Anon Y. Mous
LOL.
Sustainable agriculture? Local food philosophy? Heather sounds like a bit of a food fascist herself. I don't even know what "slow food" means, but it sounds like some more progressive nonsense.
I think Heather's real problem is she doesn't want the other weirdos disagreeing with her particular form of weirdness.
Thresherman
I'd tell them to grow the hell up and remember that it your daughter's special day and that you are providing free food and drink in honor of that. On this occaision, they and their colons rank somewhere between I don't really give a f*** and plain old f*** you. If they can somehow put aside their individual self-centered natures to share in your daughter;s special day, great. If not, your daughter does not need some whiney a$$ed relatives trying to trump her as the center of attention with their pampered poo poos.
Sgt. York
<>
Apple didn't fall far from the tree.
I guess it takes a food fascist to recognize a food fascist...
Scott
I live in Malaysia, Muslim majority with a sizable Buddhist and smaller Hindu population. So you got halal (no pork or alcohol), vegetarian and no beef requirements there. Though in practise, just halal is the norm - big functions (especially govt) will be entirely halal.
JR
The problem here is that the 'family' has lost sight of the point behind the dinner, which is to celebrate the marriage of two people. It's not about the lifestyle or preferences of the guests, it's about the couple and what THEY like.
The only reason to mention the food at all is to inquire regarding allergy issues. Allergic reactions can be life threatening. And I would ask in an apologetic way, not one with expectations of menu changes. This is a wedding event, not a restaurant. You don't treat your family/hosts like they're someone you've hired for service.
It's boorish on a good day. Imagine the stress this couple is already under just trying to get everything done for the wedding and it's surrouding events. The last thing that they need is another job taking care of YOU or the added expense of additional menu items. Not when you're perfectly capapble of caring for yourself.
People with food issues need to feed themselves before an event like this, or if they just can't bear to watch, stay away from it. It's beyond egocentric to play 'oh poor me, I can't eat'. It's just plain rude. We are all responsible for caring for our own well being.
As to fascism, it does exist in the food world. If you have made lifestyle choices that work for you, rock on. However regaling people with your every thought about those choices (especially regarding criticisms of the habits of others) at a social event, where your own expected behavior is to merely be pleasant, completely misses that mark. It's like old people who have health problems who give you an 'organ recital' of their every physical issue, so is the foodie who goes on and on about how the world should be made in their image and why.
Have your beliefs, but know that they are yours...We are all free to make our own choices. You have a choice to attend, or not. To eat, or not. But don't make your food difficulities in public someone else's problem or job to fix.
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I R A Darth Aggie
Who's being the fascist if the letter writer absolutely insists on her guests eating everything placed in front of them regardless of what their desires and choices are?
Chris
Interesting because the picture of said sensible dinner would be considered paleo.
Food Irony.
gerry
So the husband's relatives have a history of seeming to not care that they are offending their hosts with their over-the-top food critiques, yet the bride's mother should go to extra expense / hassle to avoid offending these same guests ("rudies")? I agree that the bride and groom's tastes should be the focus here and it is up to the guests to politely and quietly eat what they are comfortable eating sans pontificating on their own diet fad. I also agree that medically necessary diets can be taken into consideration but the bottom line is each person, whether it's food allergy or intolerance or Celiac Disease, needs to be responsible for what they eat and don't eat and not expect to be catered to. It's no different that someone who is medically obese and needs to decrease caloric intake. Don't eat the bread, don't eat the fatty cheeses. I do think having healthy choices at the table such as fruit and steamed veggies is an all-around wise idea for everyone, not just the rudie foodies.
A word about food fascist. This label is describing overbearing people with sensitivities, not every person who makes healthy food choices.
Russ H
I host a Wrestlemania partyeach year. I prepare a buffet of snacks, hors dourvesm and the like. I make sure to have things for basic diet needs. In my group, that means a couple people who don't eat red meat (though they will eat chicken, fish, etc...no problem), a couple with nut allergies (again, no problem) and two with a religious ban on meat after dusk...I'm not sure what the exact stricture is, but thay are perfectly satisfied with a non-meat pizza. But the minute I start getting moralizing and tsk-tsk-tsk issues with what I serve, they are inbvited to bring their own food. And don't plan on cooking it here, because my kitchen is busy with my spread. I have never had a problem...
does she love me
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PurrlGurrl
We have a family member who jump's on every fad bandwagon that ambles down the pike. Not being part of any new social phenomenon is the same as being dead in her eyes. Her latest is obsession is food allergies. Foods she's eaten in mass quantities with zero negative effects her entire life she's now decided that she's allergic too. Interestingly, they're most are the same foods that appear on most food cultists' "whine" list. She's even had a card printed up with a list of her food allergies that she hands out to the world at large just in case someone should spontaneously decide to feed her. Since she's decided to have food allergies in order to be part of the latest fashion, she's become a big pain in the patoot. But, like every other fad she's latched onto, this too will eventually pass. Thank God.
Sue
How do you know how allergic she actually is? Did you read her blood tests? My husband ate shellfish for 30 years before developing anaphylaxis to it.
Oscar
Ugghhh! My 14-yr-old is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts... carries a double dose of epinephrine at all times.
In the past few years, I have become increasingly frustrated with people who use the term "allergy" when they should be using "sensitivity" or "intolerance." It really waters down food situations for those with true allergies. A true food allergy produces a histamine reaction in the body to the proteins in the offending food. That reaction can quickly develop into an anaphylactic reaction. These are important differences people should understand, and then use the appropriate terms.
Food allergies can develop after decades of a person not having any problems eating a particular food. A 50+ yr old friend developed an allergy to peanuts in her 40s. She even had an allergic reaction when she got her car back from her daughter... her daughter's friend had eaten a snack-pack of peanuts, and the residual proteins in the air caused my friend's reaction. True food allergies are serious business!
Kay
If someone will truly be sick from eating a certain food, I go above and beyond to accommodate. Otherwise, what they eat is their choice, and their responsibility.
As someone whose husband is lactose-intolerant, I feel compelled to point out that those who are lactose-intolerant eat cheese with no problems. The lactose in milk is converted to something else (sorry, I don't remember the scientific bit) when the milk becomes cheese.
Stacy
Thanks so much for acknowledging that severe food allergies (i.e. shellfish) were not at stake here. Often times true allergy issues are lumped in with crazy food extremism. I appreciate your thoughtfulness on the subject!
Melissa
I honestly don't think she should have a problem, even if her relatives are crazy. My experience working in food in Sweden is that knowledge, awareness, and accommodation of various food allergies and even minor dietary whims is quite common. However, the Swedish style of serving and eating is easy to adapt to that (Smorgasbord, where there are lots of different dishes). But I've never been to a country in Europe where food allergies or even just asking for something to be omitted is a big deal. People don't get offended by it or argue with you about it like in the US.
As an aside, the person who said they are allergic to lactose probably was just mis-educated (not a surprise since I find most doctors here in the US are more poorly educated on food allergies and intolerances than the average Swedish waitress) and actually had lactose intolerance, which IS dose-dependent and therefore most people with the condition can have some cheese, but not a lot.
Marlin Rivira
I just learned dogs can't never ever swallow lemons `cause the seeds can hurt them. There are actually a big list of things I found out this morning about what your dog can and cant eat. Some bones can actually KILL your dog !
MarkR
Blood boil? When I read that header I thought you were talking about the pink slime "controversy," or something important like that.
Picky eaters at a wedding isn't worth getting your blood boiling over. #FirstWorldProblems.
Melody
Being a picky eater is a first world problem. Evangelizing your own preferences and insisting on special treatment based on a fad diet, regardless of its relation to an actual issue, is incredibly rude and would never fly in a place food is scarce. Meanwhile, wanting to have a wedding day that is a celebration uninterrupted by that kind of rudeness is a pretty universal thing. People all over the world get offended when someone totally breaks the rules of their culture when eating as a group.
Some examples: in Thai culture, cleaning your plate is rude because it implies you haven't been given enough food; in Chinese culture, making negative comments about the cooking (e.g., "this could use more salt"), especially that of an older and respected family member, is considered extremely disrespectful.
And in American culture, interfering with someone's "big day" - or even just the company luncheon - because you're on a diet and want to feel special is rude.
(I'm saying this from the perspective of an actual celiac who gets major physical and psychological symptoms if I consume gluten. People like Heather's siblings-in-law aren't just rude, they make those of us who have legit medical reasons for our food preferences look bad. The relatives in question should shut up and eat a salad with vinaigrette and a chunk of meat on top.)
MarkR
And having your wedding "ruined", and I use that word in quotes, because of picky eaters-- also a first world problem. If picky and rude eaters are a problem, I can't imagine what they call it when the best man gets drunk and starts telling tales out of school, or Aunt Maisy gets drunk and takes out a tables-worth of food.
A wedding is a half hour ceremony followed by a two hour party. (insert your own preferred time amounts.) It really doesn't deserve the status that bridezillas and mother-of-bridezillas have given it.
Seriously, is a wedding ruined because someone won't eat the pasta, either due to dietary restrictions or preference?
Chris P
I think the response is perfect. Other than allergies, food preferences should be set aside for a celebration. I would never demand that anyone cater to whatever wacko diet I may be following. That being said I often make alternative choices when entertaining. I have a friend that is currently wheat & dairy free, so I'll make small substitutions (like almond flour for regular flour) and she leaves off the whipped cream everyone else is enjoying. My daughter was married last year and trying to get a handle on every possible food allergy/preference .....it made the planning complicated. We did a tapas style menu because she was married late in the day and ended up with at least one or two things that could accommodate ever food allergy/ food fad known to man. Even the woman with the severe allergy to seafood- so she couldn't eat sea salt (the only type I use) was able to find 2 things that she could eat.
MaryLynne
Two years ago I was diagnosed with MS and was told that I should go on a gluten free diet. Studies showed that is slowed the progression. When I was on the diet, I just ate around the gluten or provided my own gluten items when I went to an event. I would not have any reaction to what I ate so I took it upon myself to deal with my decision not to eat gluten. Then just a few months ago I said, fk it I really want a Big Mac. Point being if it is a choice and not medical you should take it upon yourself to accommodate your own dining options.
Cristina
Excellent post -- I'm tired of all the fads and hypochondriacs. Please, can't we all just eat real food? No cool whip. No margarine. Just real cream, real butter....
Aside from my idealistic wishes, I teach my kids to "eat what's put before you", so that they are kind and considerate in another's home. Perhaps these adults should adopt the practice of being a gracious guest. It is the height of rudeness to impose your dietary whim on others when you are the guest, unless, of course, it is a true anaphylactic allergy.
I read this post shortly after it was posted, and just today ran into this cartoon in a doctor's waiting room:
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/issuecartoons/2010/11/22/cartoons#slide=1
Great timing!
Sharzad
I developed a gluten allergy after my second pregnancy. Never had problems with it before then, and once found out through allergy test and eliminated it from my diet all the symptoms went away. True allergy means an immune reaction, which can be mild, moderate, or severe. Not all true allergic reactions are severe, but symptoms last 2 to 3 weeks as opposed to symptoms of intolerance or sensitivity which go away after a few hours or a couple of days. Also, different individuals react differently depending on which system in their body is effected. For example, one of my daughters tends to get eczema and perpetual runny nose when exposed to the many things she is allergic to, while my other daughter tends to get stomach aches and constipation and congestion, while I get nausea and dizziness and headaches and runny nose and congestion and would end up with breathing difficulties and fainting and sleeping problems such as disturbed sleep and snoring. Don't knock food allergies please, as they have resulted in 3 emergency room visits for us without any anaphylactic shock.
However, with all that said, I never expect others to accommodate my food allergies or the food allergies of my children. We go to birthday parties armed with pizza and cupcake that they can eat, we look at restaurant menus in advance and call if necessary to make sure there is something we can eat, and we offer to bring food when we go to someone's house for a meal, so they don't have to worry about accommodating us and we don't have to worry about accidental exposure. People often offer to make something that my kids can eat, but honestly they are allergic to so many things (and have sensitivities on top of those) that I feel worried and embarrassed to ask others to partake in manic label reading or spending money buying whatever-free versions of ingredients they already have at home.
By the way, if you want to, you can accommodate 90 percent of people with food allergies, most people with food sensitivities and intolerance, vegans, vegetarians, Kosher eaters, and people with Celiacs disease with any of the following: plain white or brown rice, cut fruit (except strawberries), steamed vegetables (except soy beans), field greens or mixed greens salad with balsamic vinaigrette, and gluten free pasta. Most Italian restaurants serve most or all of these.
Felix Lutterbeck
food fascism? seriously??
maybe choose a more appropriate title next time instead of going for such an eye-catching yet cheap headline.
oh and look up fascism.
Andreas
A fair number of food sensitivities are likely not caused by the food itself, but by the ways the food is processed.
For example, there's now strong evidence that peanut allergies are caused by a mould living on the peanuts, not by peanuts themselves.
Similarly there is evidence that lactose intolerance might not be caused by milk, but by the consumption of certain modified milk ingredients.
There will always be people with genuine food allergies, which are life threatening and need to be respected. In the meantime, as far as I can tell, a good way to remain free of allergies and sensitivities is to make sure that the food we eat is as natural as possible.
Bill Haydon
Growing up, I never knew a single person who was allergic to bread, and let's be honest that is exactly what we're talking about regarding "gluten free" diets.
Here is my solution. We, as a society and a species, will take your gluten allergy at face value. We will appease and accommodate it with only one condition......that you accept and admit that you are the carrier of a severe genetic disorder that should not be passed down to future generations and contribute to the continued erosion of the human genome. That's right. If you agree to undergo voluntary sterilization to ensure that your genetic defect is not allowed to contaminate and weaken future generations, we will accommodate that defect for the remainder of your natural born life.
Fairly simple, I think.
Elvira Hurst
Wonderful blog you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics discussed in this article? I'd really love to be a part of group where I can get feed-back from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks a lot!
Lara Riase
Finnaly the knowledge I was looking for. Thanks for your support.
Mom24@4evermom
I am soooo grumpy about this issue right now. My family has no health issues with food. That being said, I'm trying to plan a mother's day brunch that accommodates my adult son who is a vegetarian, my father who eats no carbs and another family member who stays away from gluten (again, not because of a dietary reason). Driving me crazy. Suck it up and deal for one meal...well, all except for my son, vegetarianism is different. I guess.
Herb Ogrady
What a picture it
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Because of stories like these I woulnd't want to manage a restaurant!
Susan
I just came across this article and can only say I heartily agree... I hate food fascism and the self-righteousness that goes with it. Although I have diabetes (and so my diet is largely 'sugar-free' - oh, and I am lactose-intolerant as well), I do not, if I am fortunate enough to be asked to dine at someone else's table, or at a restaurant, expect my host(ess) or chef to go out of the way to accommodate me.